


Imaginary Lover

by susannah_deanw



Category: Supernatural
Genre: College AU, Destiel - Freeform, Drugs, M/M, Sabriel - Freeform, Triggers, nerddean, punkcas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-02-22 16:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 43,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2514668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/susannah_deanw/pseuds/susannah_deanw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is a freshman at college. After a rather uneventful day, he runs into a mysterious boy by the name of Castiel Novak who catches his attention.  Dean can't get Cas off his mind. Both have their secrets that could tear them apart. Will they beat the odds or break when the time comes?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean woke up to the sound of his alarm ringing. He groaned and snoozed it and sank back into blissful sleep.

_She's my cherry pie_

_Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise_

_Feel so good make a grown-_

Dean shut off the alarm in a huff and turned over. It was here. His first day of college. Just thinking about him gave him butterflies.

It hadn't been easy for him to make friends. he was shy and kept to himself, finding solace in libraries or lone staircases. He made the occasional friend but they moved around so much he never got the chance to make long lasting relationships. Perks of having a father in the Marines. Their mother, Mary, would get tense every time her husband left on assignment and only breathed freely when he called or returned from whatever corner of the world or country he'd been posted to.

His younger brother Sam would be starting his first day of high school. Dean loved Sam and looked out for him as much as he could. As quiet as Dean was, Sam was the popular one. He made friends everywhere he went, had extracurriculars and so far, had a perfect GPA. He'd gotten into all AP classes for high school and no one had been more proud than Dean himself.

He looked around his room, books littered his study table, a laptop on top of them. He had worked hard to keep his scores up and his efforts had paid off. He was relieved when he'd gotten his acceptance letter and into the course of his choice. Dean had always wanted to study Automobile engineering and his dreams were starting to come true.

He smiled to himself before getting up and going to the bathroom and taking a shower. He got dressed quickly, grabbed his glasses off the nightstand and gave himself a once over in the mirror. He'd decided to wear his favourite dark wash jeans, black t-shirt and threw on a dark maroon hoodie along with his Doc Martens. He went down the stairs and found his mom making breakfast while Sam chattered on about how excited he was about all his classes and meeting new people.

"And I want to join the debate team, coz that'll help a lot with being a lawyer", he said.

Sam had decided he wanted to go to law school after watching his favourite show, Suits. He loved Harvey Specter but decided he'd be the version that practiced criminal law and not corporate.

"Don't take on more activities than you can handle, Sammy. Morning Dean! Looking forward to college?", Mary said with a slight note of concern. She knew her eldest had trouble adjusting and always reassured him to boost his confidence.

"Yeah. I kinda am", he looked up at his mom with a small smile. He playfully ticked his baby brother's ear and said,"Could you pass the Frosted Flakes, baby bro?" following which Sam slapped Dean's arm and a playful fight ensued.

"Boys", Mary said firmly and they both quieted down. Dean poured himself a bowl of cereal and heard Sam say very distinctly,"jerk".

"Bitch", said Dean and both smiled at each other before going back to their food.

They got done quickly and headed out the door screaming goodbyes to their mother. Sam headed off to the bus stop while Dean walked up to the beautiful car that stood in the driveway.

It was a black 1967 Chevrolet Impala. He'd been begging his father for a car before his 16th birthday and his father had surprised him.

"Hi baby", he mumbled and slipped in behind the wheel. He started the car and mentally braced himself for what was about to come as he pulled out of the driveway and down the street to sound of Eye of the Tiger.

Dean pulled into the student parking lot after what felt like too short a drive. He was becoming nervous and his palms started sweating.

_You can do this_ , he thought to himself as he grabbed his backpack and slung it over his shoulder.  _You're here to get a degree so that you can work for Aston Martin and maybe make a few friends_ , he reassured himself as he started walking toward the first building in his sight.

He walked in and saw a faculty member standing just inside and made his way to him.

"Good morning sir. I'm Dean Winchester. I'm a- a new student here. Would you mind telling me where I have to go for orientation?", he said in a rush.

The teacher smiled and directed him to a building located toward the back that was 3 blocks away from the current one. He thanked him and made his way toward it- Crawford Hall. His nervousness was increasing with each step and he fumbled while walking.

_Get it together man!_ he scolded himself and ran into someone.

He apologised profusely but the boy walked on, too busy bobbing his head to the music he was listening to. Dean reached the building and went inside. After some help from a few students, he made his way to a semi-distant corner of the auditorium where his orientation would start.

After all the formalities were dealt with, Dean found his way to his class which was on the third floor of the building next door. He'd gotten a map of campus so locating his classes wasn't too difficult anymore.

The day progressed in a relatively similar pattern. Each teacher gave them an overview of the subject along with telling them about assignments, projects, quizzes and grades. Dean didn't have a problem memorising what they were saying and paid little attention after a while.

For lunch he decided he'd find a quiet place to sit and eat. His classmates were okay but no one struck as someone he'd be talking to frequently. Walking around campus he found an obscure corner behind one of the buildings. It looked like a park of sorts with benches with not a soul around. He walked over to a bench and started eating. He was starving. He was so fixated on eating that he nearly fell off when a bag got slammed on the table.

"Sorry about startling you. You new here?", asked the boy. Dean looked him over. He had several tattoos on his neck, a lip piercing, a stud in his eyebrow, dark hair and wore eyeliner.

"Hey, you okay? Do you have a speech problem or something?", he asked and smiled at Dean. Snapping out of his trance and realising he'd been staring, Dean cleared his throat and fixed his glasses.

"Uhh, yeah. A bit. Today's my first day", Dean said in a nervous voice.

"You don't have to be nervous here. It's a safe place", the boy winked and a flush crept up Dean's neck. He laughed nervously and the strange looking boy went on, "I'm Cas, by the way. Castiel Novak. I study graphics design here. You?"

Dean fumbled for a reply before stuttering out a response," D-Dean. Winchester. I'm doing automobile engineering."

"Well, Dean Winchester, it's very nice to meet you. I hope we run into each other more often. If you need any help around here, find me", he said. Dean stared at his eyes. They were blue. Clear sapphire blue and the eyeliner only accentuated their shape and colour.

Cas picked up his bag and left, chuckling to himself. Dean stared off after him.

_Castiel... Castiel._  He couldn't get the name out of his head. The boy with the incredible blue eyes who had talked to him.

For the rest of the day, Dean could think of nothing else. He went home and found his mother preparing dinner while Sam gave her a detailed description of every minute of his day.

"How was your day, honey?", she asked him. "Fine! I'm gonna lie down for a bit", Dean said and trotted off to his room with Cas on his mind.

He lay awake thinking about him and if he'd meet him again. Castiel Novak intrigued him and he wanted to get to know him more. He drifted to sleep to the sound of his laugh playing in his head.


	2. Chapter 2

A couple of weeks passed by and Dean had settled into a routine of sorts. He'd wake up, go to his classes, spend about an hour or two in the library after classes and then head home. He hadn't met Castiel again after that day and had become a distant memory of sorts.

The weekend was approaching and he was making his way toward his Engineering Thermodynamics class when he bumped into a girl.

"Uff! I'm sorry I'm so sorry!", he said as he helped her.

"It's okay. You're Dean, right?", she asked.

"Yeah.", Dean replied, a bit stunned.

"I'm Charlie. Charlie Bradbury. I've been meaning to come up to you and talk but you rush out faster than the Flash", she said with a grin.

Dean blushed slightly. "Yeah, I guess. I'm not much of a people person.", he said.

"Well, I'm better than people. Wanna sit together in class?", she asked.

"Yeah! That'd be nice", he said with a smile.

Class went by in a breeze and for the first time in a while, Dean felt at ease. He'd had a lot of bad luck when it came to making friends but it looked like things were changing. They hung out together after their classes at the same ground where he'd met Cas all those weeks ago. They talked endlessly about their favourite movies and TV shows and music. After a comfortable silence had settled between them he asked her a question,"You take A lot of computer science classes right?" She nodded and he went on,"Do you know a Castiel Novak?"

"Yeah, he's in my graphics and security classes. Why?", she asked.

"I met him a couple of weeks ago and haven't met him since. I just thought that if you knew him, maybe you could tell him I want to hang out with him or something?", he said in almost a whisper.

Charlie smiled at him with a knowing smile,"You like him don't you?"

Dean blushed and nodded.

"As it turns out, you've come to the right place! I happen to have his number. You want it?", she teased.

Dean was unable to reply and started blushing even more. Charlie took his phone and entered his number.

"I think you two will be great together", she said and nudged him a bit. They spent a little while longer before Dean headed home. He'd known that he was gay for a while now but Cas was the only boy he'd been so strongly attracted to. He planned to text Cas as soon as dinner was over. Even though his stomach was crammed with butterflies, he was resolute.

He shovelled his food at dinner and quickly headed to his room saying he had homework. He grabbed his phone from his desk and searched Cas's number. He typed out a message and waited a while before he finally sent it.

_Dean- hi_

_Cas- who's this?_

_Dean- it's Dean Winchester? I don't know if you remember but we met in the park on campus?_

_Cas- oh yeah! Dean with the green eyes and glasses! How'd you get my number?_

Dean blushed at what he said. Cas knew his eye colour. That meant something right?

_Dean- Charlie gave it to me._

_Cas- so, Dean Winchester with the beautiful eyes, do you want to hang out sometime?_

Dean couldn't believe it. Castiel Novak was asking him out.

_Dean- yeah sure. You got a place in mind?_

_Cas- yeah. I'll pick you up at 11 tomorrow?_

_Dean- yeah sure! That'd be great._

Dean texted him his address and said goodbye. A goofy smile was plastered on his face as he made his way to the bathroom to take a shower.

He slept peacefully and got woken up by Sam jumping on his bed.

"DEAN WAKE UP I'M BORED!!!", he screamed in his ear.

"Well aren't you charming. What time is it?", he asked.

"It's around 10.30 I guess.", Sam said.

Dean bolted out of bed. He was late. Cas would be here in a half hour. He didn't know what to wear. What would he wear? He ran to his closet and started looking through his shirts.

"Uh Dean? What're you doing?", Sam asked.

"A friend is coming to pick me up to hang out today and I'm late", he said as he grabbed his Iron Man tshirt and jeans.

He got dressed quickly and went downstairs. His phone buzzed, it was a text from Cas.

_Waiting outside your house._

"Bye mom! I'm going out with a friend!", he yelled as he ran out.

He saw a black BMW standing on the street with Cas sitting inside. He walked over to the passenger side and slipped in.

"Hello, Dean Winchester. It's nice to see you again. ", Cas said. He was wearing a black button down with black jeans and Converse. His arms had tattoos on them too.

"Hi", Dean said shyly.

"You look cute. I like the tshirt", Cas said. Dean's face flushed as he mumbled a thank you.

"So, you hungry?", Castiel asked.

"Yeah.", Dean replied.

"Okay. I know a place. It's nice and serves the most amazing milk shakes", Cas said excitedly as he restarted the car and pulled out the street.

Dean smiled and nodded as they drove. As hard as he might try, he couldn't stop glancing in Cas's direction; his arms, legs, face, eyes all intrigued Dean.

"Here we are. Let's go", Cas said snapping Dean out of his partial trance and getting out of the car.

Dean stumbled out and they went inside. They sat in a booth toward the back opposite each other.

"So, tell me about yourself", Cas said as a waitress came and handed them their menus.

"There isn't much to tell... I'm a freshman in college studying automobile engineering, I like fixing and building cars, I love Marvel a lot and Led Zeppelin is my favourite band. What about you?", said Dean and turned to look at the menu.

"Well, I'm a sophomore now and I enjoy graphic design and occasionally, hacking. But I don't do that often, I prefer art. I love graffiti and painting on walls. I like the DC villains, especially Harley Quinn and as far as music goes, I'm a Pink Floyd fan", Cas replied while intently observing Dean.

Dean looked up and caught Cas staring at him. Cas smirked and went to glance at the menu and deep blush crept onto Dean's face and was relieved when the waitress came back to take their order.

"You guys ready?", she asked.

"Uh, yes. Two double bacon cheese burgers, fries and two chocolate milkshakes please", Cas replied to her.

"Okay. It'll be right out", she said as she walked off.

Dean sat gaping at Cas. Cas gave him a look that said  _what?_  "How did you know that that's what I liked?", Dean asked with incredulity in his voice. Cas tapped his temple and gave him a wink and said,"I'm a mind reader."

Dean giggled, albeit unintentionally. He was enjoying his time and was happier than he'd been in a long time. Their meal arrived and they ate, making small talk. Dean was curious about Cas's name so he asked him, "Umm, I'm curious. What does your name mean?"

Cas chuckled,"My parents, though they aren't religious, love the names of the angels and named me after the Angel of Thursdays, Castiel and my brother was named Gabriel. It's a mouthful so, I prefer when people just call me Cas. What about your family? You got any siblings?"

"Yeah, I have a younger brother. His name's Sam. He's just started high school here and he loves it. He plans on becoming a lawyer. My dad is in the Marines and he's away on some mission right now so, it's just me, my brother and my mom here", he said. He missed his father and worried for his mother but he knew they'd get through it.

After Cas insisted on paying and they left the diner it was still early. So, they decided to go somewhere else. "Have you explored the place? Do you want to go somewhere specific?", Cas asked Dean. So far, he hadn't had the time or interest to explore and just shook his head. "Okay. I know where we're going to go", Cas said and turned his attention back to the road. Dean observed Cas from the corner of his eye. He noticed his hands, the way he held the steering wheel, the way he sat and finally, his face. Even though he couldn't look at them directly, his eyes were still beautifully blue and he found it difficult to get his attention back.  _I could get lost in them, I'd never get tired of looking at them ever!_ , Dean thought.

Cas stopped the car and looked over at Dean who quickly averted his eyes and pretended to look straight ahead. Cas smiled, he liked the shy boy sitting next to him. "We're here, come on", he said and they got out.

"Where are we?", Dean asked. "We're at my personal stairway to heaven. My hotel California", Cas said as he gestured around. It was a park, but it also had a lake. It looked like not many people came there and Cas confirmed it. "It's pretty much abandoned. No one comes here. Heck, I doubt many people even know about it", he said. "Come on!", he grabbed Dean's hand and led him to a patch of grass somewhat close to the water. Dean's whole arm was vibrating even after Cas had left his hand.

They sat down, next to each other. Dean didn't know if he could sit close to him so he sat a little ways away, keeping a distance. Cas laughed a little and scooted closer. "I'm not poisonous", he whispered close to Dean. Dean gave a slight shiver and stared at Cas as he pulled away. "I like coming here", he said. "It's peaceful and I get to pretend that there are no more people in the world. Just me and nature together. It helps me keep things in check."

"What things?", Dean asked before he could stop. He cursed himself for his curiosity and started apologising the minute Cas's expression changed. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be nosey. You can ignore it",, he said in a rush and a wild gesture of hands.  _Stupid, stupid!_  he thought to himself.

"It's okay, I uh... I don't know why but I'm okay with telling you this", Cas said. "Okay, here goes. I hope nothing changes between us", he said and gave Dean a look who was staring intently at him before continuing, "Up until this year, I was a drug addict and it wasn't the fluffy kinds. I did hardcore drugs. I started with the easy stuff around middle school. In high school, I moved on and got into ecstasy, LSD, acid. Soon enough, I was dealing. By my senior year, I was most people's go-to guy for any and every drug. I was a junkie and a dealer. Somewhere that year, I moved on to heroin. At first, I only dealt, till I graduated high school. But when college rolled around, I started. I got into it, heavily. I stopped dealing and only became a junkie. My parents had no idea as long as my grades didn't slip. I tried not to let them and got by one semester but failed to do that in the second. I passed, but barely. My parents were worried and decided to talk to me about it. They never came into my room usually but because they hadn't seen me all day, they came in without knocking. I was at my desk, in a heroin haze. They saw the needle and the tourniquet on the floor and it was over. I came to my senses a while later and they started questioning me. When, why, what, how, where. I told them everything and cried. I told them I was done and wanted to stop. They put me in rehab after that and I got better. I haven't touched drugs since. It's been a year that I've been clean", Cas turned to look at Dean waiting for the whiplash, the judgement. It never came. Dean threw himself at him and hugged him tightly. "I'm so glad you told me, I can't begin to imagine what you've been through but I know that I'll be there for you whenever you need me. Always there for you", Dean said and he held on to the sapphire eyed boy for dear life.

They stayed like that for a bit longer and Dean pulled away slightly. The small distance between them was fraught with tension and desire. Dean could almost taste Cas's breath and stared at his lips, mesmerised by them. "Dean?", Cas asked. "Yeah?", he said, still staring. "I-", but Cas never got to finish. Dean closed the distance between them and kissed him. Cas pulled away and pressed his forehead against Dean's. "People dream about people like you. How did I get you, my imaginary lover?", Cas asked him. Dean chuckled and kiss Cas again, more deeply. His hands stroked Cas's face and tangled in his soft black hair and Cas's ran all over his back. They kissed for a long time, forgetting that they had to breathe. They pulled apart gasping and smiled at each other.

They lay there for a while before Cas dropped Dean back home. "Call me?", Cas said and Dean smiled and nodded and proceeded to get out of the car but not before Cas grabbed him back and pulled him onto his lap and kissed him like he would die tomorrow. "See you around, hotshot", Cas said and Dean got out of the car and waved at him as he drove away.

There was no doubt about it. Castiel Novak had stolen Dean Winchester's heart.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean walked into the house with a dazed look and a plastered smile on his face. His mother was sitting on the couch watching some news channel. He walked by her barely noticing when she pulled him out of his trance. "Welcome home, stranger. Who were you out with?", she said before turning to look at him fully. Dean turned toward her voice with the same expression he came in with. "It was great! I had a lot of fun", he said.

Mary sat up a little straighter and squinted to get a better look at him. "Dean, come here and sit, please", she said. Dean walked to the couch and sat down next to her. She took in her son's appearance and Dean fidgeted a bit nervously. "What mom? Why're you giving me those looks?", he asked.

Mary's eyes widened and a huge smile lit up her face and said,"You're in love aren't you sweetie? It's written all over your face. I haven't seen you this happy in years! Who is it?".

Dean balked at what she said. Was it that obvious? He'd come out to her a few months ago and she had supported him completely. "It's uhh... this boy I met a few weeks ago. He's really nice and sweet. His name's Castiel, or Cas coz he says that's a mouthful", he replied. "We hung out all day and went out to eat and then we went to this park kind of place. Mom, it was so beautiful! And we sat there staring at the sky and the lake and he told me his story and then... and then I- I leaned in and... kissed him", he said in a small voice with his eyes toward the carpet.

"Dean", his mother said softly. "I'm so happy for you, you have no idea. I'm so glad about you having good people in your life", she said as she pulled him in for a hug. "Thanks mom. I'm really happy too. I'm glad we came here", he said and hugged her back. They stayed like that for a while before she announced that she had to make dinner and asked for Dean to come help her out.

Dinner was fun as Dean told little Sammy all about his new friend,  _Or is it boyfriend?_ , Dean thought. Sam was happy that Dean finally had someone in his life that he cared about a lot and proceeded to tell his own story of making a new friend at the park.

"So, I was walking Bones around in the park today and playing fetch when I saw this kid sitting on a park bench eating candy alone. So, I got a little curious. He looked around my age but was kinda shorter. Anyway, I went up to him and started talking to him. He was skeptical in the beginning, gave me one word answers or just nodded or something but slowly he opened up and we talked about video games and TV shows and movies and we have a lot in common! Apparently, we're in the same history and chemistry classes at school. OH OH! I almost forgot. His brother goes to the same college Dean does. His name's Cas or something? You met him, Dean?", he asked and took a bite of his spaghetti.

Dean practically choked on his water and sputtered before replying,"Yeah. He's my friend. He's the one I spent my day with today. Did I forget to tell you his name?" "I guess", Sam replied. "Do you like him Dean?" "Yeah, I do", Dean said softly. Sam's face lit up with a smile before it vanished and a protective look took over,"If he hurts you, I swear I will make sure he regrets it till the day he dies".

Dean laughed while their mother said,"No need for violence Sammy. Now, let's get this cleaned up and you boys go upstairs and do whatever you gotta do. And no staying up late reading! You got that Sam?"

Sam groaned,"Yeah mom. Okay." The kitchen was cleared up quickly and Dean went to his room. He looked over at his laptop realising that he had some work from his electronics class. He decided to get to it after his shower. As he was getting ready for it, he realised he had to tell Charlie about his day's events.  _That's what friends do right?_ , he thought before picking up his phone and waking it up. What Dean didn't expect, was a barrage of texts from none other than the sapphire eyed boy.

His eyes widened as he scrolled through them.

_Cas- hey. I'm bored._

_Cas- I had a lot of fun with you today. Maybe we can do this again sometime?_

_Cas- Oh! And I love your eyes. They're so green, so emerald-ish and jade. I love them. So much._

As Dean read through the texts, his smile got bigger and his ears got redder. He decided he'd text Cas after his shower but sent a quick text to Charlie that said-  _I went out with him today._

Dean enjoyed the hot shower, he always loved the hot water cascading over his body relaxing each muscle. As he was standing under it, he started day dreaming about someone else in there with him.

The water running down his back felt like Castiel's soft hands tracing patterns on it, his neck felt like it was being painted with kisses and small nips, his lips felt as though they were being caressed gently. He let out a small moan and leaned against the tiled wall. He couldn't take it, not now, he had to calm down. The water shifted to cold and washed over him, snapping him back to reality with its bite. He got out and got dressed before settling down on his bed with his phone in his hands. He wasn't as badly off as before but he still felt a small and urgent need for Cas at that moment.

Charlie had replied and he could hear her excitement in the texts she sent.

_Charlie- HOW WAS IT?! Tell me EVERYTHING!!_

_Charlie- Tell me now!! i'm dying here!!_

_Charlie- Dean seriously, don't leave me high and dry._

_Charlie- Winchester, I'm gonna come over there and beat the crap out of you if you don't reply soon._

To avoid any more threats, he replied quickly.

_Dean- hakuna your tatas woman! yeesh, i'll tell you._

_Dean- he came to get me in his car and he was wearing a black shirt and jeans and Converse. when i got in, he told me he liked my tshirt and called me cute. we went to a diner for lunch and made small talk. then, since it was still early, he took me to a park sort of place and we sat there and he told me his story and i couldn't help it so i hugged him really tightly after he was done._

_He decided he'd tell her about the kiss when she replied. Her text came pretty quick._

_Charlie- OMG OMG AND AND AND?!?!?!??! TELL ME MORE PLEASE!!!! Don't say nothing more happened!!!!!_

_Dean- hahaah!!!! Na, nothing much. I mean, I just kissed him after hugging him. Not that big a deal._

_Charlie- I just dropped my phone. nearly cracked the screen. I can't breathe. DETAILS NOW!!!_

_Dean- what?? he's a great kisser and then he dropped me off and i was about to get out of the car and he just grabbed me back in onto his lap and kissed me some more before letting me go._

_Charlie- Wow. I'm so happy for you!!! This is the best thing ever!!! Did he text you later?_

_Dean- yeah he did. i just haven't replied yet._

_Charlie- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO ME FOR?!?!?! Text HIM!!! I'll see you tomorrow. Good night! :)_

_Dean- hahaha! Night Charlie :))_

Dean quickly went to one of Cas's messages and replied.

_Dean- hi! sorry was busy with my mom and Sammy and then dinner and stuff. what's up?_

_Cas- Not much. I was just lying here, thinking about those cat-eyes of yours and how much I want to see you again_

Dean blushed.

_Dean- haha! cat-eyes? that's a new one._

_Cas- Were you thinking about me?_

_Dean- yeah. i was._

_Cas- What were you thinking?_

Even though they were only texting, Dean could feel Cas's voice lower and almost whisper those words and he felt a shiver run up his spine.

_Dean- just about you and our evening_

_Cas- What about our evening?_

He couldn't control himself and was starting to get ridiculously turned on.

_Dean- about your story and then... when we kissed and your hands all over my back_

_Cas- Dean..._

_Dean- yeah?_

_Cas- I need to see you again. Soon._

_Dean- i need to see you too_

_Cas- I'm going to sleep now. See you in college, kitten_

_Dean- good night_

He was done for. The conversation and reliving the kiss and the shower had built up and now he was thoroughly turned on and had an erection. He groaned slightly as he jerked off and bit his arm to muffle his moaned Cas's name loud enough for angels to hear him. After catching his breath he cleaned himself up in his bathroom and crashed on to his bed.

Dean woke up the next day earlier than usual and was already dressed and at the table by the time Sam got done.

"Morning", he said to his brother.

"How're you awake so early?", Sam asked incredulously. "Usually you take your own sweet time."

"I just woke up. I guess I slept well enough that I woke up without much of a problem", Dean said.

Sam shrugged and turned to his breakfast. He chatted during the rest of breakfast about a project and a girl he'd been partnered up with.

"She's really smart and we have this debates and it gets so intense sometimes that we start fighting and someone has to break us up", he said animatedly.

"Who's this girl sweetie?", Mary asked.

"Yeah, who is she Sammy?", Dean asked his brother and waggled his eyebrows at him.

"Her name's Jessica but she likes being called Jess. She's really nice.", he said and a flush crept up his cheeks.

"Aw, Sammy's got a little crush!", Dean teased as he pulled his cheeks.

"Cut it OUT DEAN!", Sam said and swatted his hands away. Dean was laughing like a maniac while their mother shook her head at their sons. "Boys! Calm down. Also, Uncle Bobby called and he wants to see you guys so he's coming over next week. You'll have to double up. Dean, since your room is bigger, Sam's gonna sleep in your room", she said.

Both children erupted in protest regarding their privacy, things, complaints and any other ridiculous excuse they could come up with before the playfighting started again.

"Sam! Dean! Quiet! You're going to be late", she scolded as both got up grabbed their backpacks and turned to leave. Before Dean stepped out, he turned back and ran to his mother, hugged her tight and gave her a peck on the cheek and left. He knew he didn't show his parents he loved his parents that often but he loved his mother and he felt the need to do it. He walked happily to the Impala and slipped in. 15 minutes later, he reached campus and skipped to class.

Charlie was waiting for him when he got entered his first class and sat with her. They talked about nothing till the teacher showed up and ended up playing several games of Marvel characters based Hangman while simultaneously taking notes.

The rest of the day continued without incident till Dean was halfway through into his Machine Design class. He felt a slight vibration in his pocket and when he checked, Cas's name flashed across the screen. Instantly, his pulse started racing and his mouth went dry. He gulped and saw the text.

_Cas- Meet me at the bench we first met after class._

Dean didn't reply. This was his last class meant he would be seeing Cas soon in less than half an hour. He was nervous and very excited. Barely concentrating in class, he all but ran when the hour was up. On his way to the ground, he felt a constant vibration in his pocket. He pulled out his phone and saw Charlie was calling. "Not now Charlie", he muttered as he answered. "Hey. I'm kinda busy. What's up?", he said slowing down to a brisk walk.

"Busy? Is it Castiel?", she asked with a lilt in her voice.

"Y-yeah", he faltered. "I'll talk later okay?"

"Have fun Deanie!", she squealed and cut the call.

Dean smiled and went on his way,backtracking because he'd gone a bit further than was needed. When he reached the ground where the benches were, he saw no one. He made his way over to the bench and sat down.  _Maybe he still has class_ , Dean thought as he pulled out his phone and stared at his screen.

Finally giving up, he texted Cas asking where he was and sat down with Silmarillion and started reading it. He lost track of time. When he decided to look up, the sun was on it's way down and Castiel hadn't showed. Glancing at the screen on his phone showed it was close to 6 and there was no text from him either. A feeling of intense sadness blanketed him as he gathered his bag and made his way towards his Baby in the parking lot. He slid in and drove off in the direction of his home trying not to get overwhelmed.

He went straight to his room and didn't come out. When his mom called him for dinner, he went much later; mostly because he didn't want to worry her and ate a little before running back up and falling on to his bed. He still couldn't figure out why Cas had texted him to meet him and then not show up.  _Maybe he got busy and forgot to tell me,_  he reasoned. It did little to raise his spirits and he decided to shower and watch an episode of Penny Dreadful.

Charlie texted him but he wasn't up to replying to her so he put it on Do Not Disturb and drifted off to an uncomfortable sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been two days, two days since Cas had texted Dean and then stood him up. Charlie had tried asking him about what happened but Dean would brush it off saying it was okay and that he was fine. Charlie knew differently of course. She had a gift and a curse for observing people and knowing everything about them just by looking at them. Dean was not okay, she could see that. His eyes were dull, his walk lacked a certain grace and his shoulders were always slumped. He missed Castiel and was hurt by what he'd done and she understood that.  _He looks more unhappy than he did when I saw him on his first day_ , she thought as she walked with him.

To make matters worse, Charlie hadn't seen Castiel around in any of the classes she had together with him. He was nowhere to be found. She had asked around but nobody had any information of his whereabouts. She'd hoped that it had been urgent that he'd had to leave and would come back and explain everything to her new best friend because Dean was not holding up well.

She walked Dean to the parking lot, said good bye to him close to his car and set off toward her own car. Dean was thankful that she was there and knew that she was concerned for him and tried his hardest to tell her not to worry about him. Yes, he was hurting. He'd given his heart away to a boy after only one date and now he was paying the price. Sighing, he slipped into his car and drove aimlessly around town. After enough dilly-dallying, he set off for home knowing his mother would be getting worried.

He stepped into the door and was greeted by Bones. "Hey there buddy! Where is everyone?", he said as he petted Bones and scratched behind his ears. He went to the kitchen and found a note-  _Gone grocery shopping with Sammy. Be back soon. Love Mom._

He left the note and headed toward the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water and headed upstairs. There was an assignment due next week but he didn't feel up to it so he changed out of his jeans and into sweatpants and sat at his desk with his laptop watching Breaking Bad. He'd just started it but he was slowly getting hooked. Before he knew it, there was a loud knock on his door and Sam came in.

"Your turn to help with dinner!", he said with a smirk on his face.

Dean groaned. "Fine", he said and walked downstairs to help his mom with the lasagna. Mary knew something was wrong with her son but she knew he'd tell her himself sooner or later. At dinner Sam talked about a debate competition that was coming up and how the club had wanted him to go for it and represent their school.

"I never thought they'd pick me! There are so many kids who're better but they chose me. It was really shocking", he said. Dean was in deep thought when something struck him. "Sammy?", he asked. "Yeah?" "Have you talked to or met Gabriel recently?" "Uhh, no. I'm meeting him on Saturday I think. Why'd you ask?", Sam asked as he looked at his brother. Dean shook his head,"No reason. Just remembered him randomly."

"Oh! Boys, your father called today", Mary said. Both boys snapped their attention to their mother. Dean was the first to speak,"How is he? Is he okay? Is something wrong?" His mother chuckled,"Yes, he's fine. He had good news. Said he was coming back home in a week or ten days max."

The Winchesters were ecstatic and celebrated. Their father was coming home after six months. Yes, he'd been gone for longer before but he'd gone to an active conflict zone with a threat to his life. The news that he was coming back was more than enough for the family to cheer.

Dean went up to his room with a huge smile on his face. His father, his old man, was coming back. He couldn't wait to listen to all his stories. He loved listening to them, just as he had his grandfather Samuel. Feeling much better, he got down to finishing the assignment. He finished it surprisingly fast and headed for the shower and then turned in early for the night.

Dean was curled up under his covers, you could barely make out the top of his head. He heard a buzzing noise from his bedside table. "Cut it out", he mumbled and tried to go back to sleep. The buzzing however, persisted and he was forced to open his eyes. He grabbed his phone and without looking at the caller ID picked up. "Hello?", he said in a voice so deep and laced with sleep he surprised himself.

"Dean?", a voice said on the other end. Dean didn't recognise it in his sleepy state and asked,"Who's this?" "It's uh... It's me. It's Cas." Dean's eyes shot open and he sat up. "Cas?" "Hey kitten", he said, "Can you come down? I need to talk to you."

Dean cut the call and grabbed his glasses and a jacket and slipped out quietly from his room. He avoided the creaking step that came third before the last one and walked to the front door. He opened it and walked out and saw Cas standing against his car in the night looking as beautiful as Dean could remember if not better. Cas straightened up when he saw Dean and took a step forward. Dean hadn't realised that he was frozen to the spot and staring at him. He walked fast and covered the distance between the two.

"Hey", Cas said with a smile on his face. Before he could help himself, Dean's hand lifted and slapped him across the face. "Ow!", Cas exclaimed, "What the hell?"

"You kiss me, you text me, you sext me, you say you want to meet me and then you LEAVE me HANGING?!", he almost shouted. "What the HELL CAS? WHAT THE HELL??" He was on the verge of tears, he could feel it but he controlled himself. Cas still held his face from when Dean had slapped him but just looked at the jade eyed boy infront of him and took his entire appearance in before grabbing him by the front of his tshirt, slamming him against the side of his car and kissing him like a thirsty man who hasn't tasted water in days. Dean was very taken aback but was more than enthusiastic while kissing Cas. His hands were on his waist and his fingers decided to slowly make their way under Cas's shirt earning a gasp from him. Castiel broke the kiss and stared at Dean before backing away. The sudden lack of warmth had goosebumps racing all over Dean's body and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stood you up. But I didn't have a choice", Castiel said. Dean started but Cas interrupted him, "Nope, no talking. I'm not done yet." Dean settled back against the car and waited for Cas to continue. "That day, while I was making my way toward you, I got a call. Remember I told you I used to be a dealer? Well, I had a higher up and apparently, they caught the guy. I had seen him a few times and since the police knew I had been a part of his operation, they called me in. First, they asked for the entire history of my time as a dealer/ junkie, they how many times I met him, what we talked about and all that bullshit that cops generally ask. They'd asked me to come see them the next morning coz they'd be bringing him in. I knew I was missing class but I really wanted that son of a bitch caught. I identified him but they didn't let me go. They were going to court in a couple of hours and wanted me as a material witness for the case. It took a lot out of me but I agreed and joined them in court a couple of hours later. Same thing the next day. I thought he was only being charged for drug trafficking but it turned out he was also being charged with arms trafficking and murder. So, I've been dealing with that and trying to get up the nerve to talk to you. I don't do relationships, it's so rare it makes a blue moon or Hayley's Comet more common. I really am sorry. You have no idea how much I missed you or wanted to talk to you or be with you", he finished with a small hitch in his voice.

Dean's face had gone from curiosity to shock to understanding and finally, to sadness. Even though Cas had told him about his history, he had never experienced its full extent until now. Cas was looking at the grass he was standing on and fidgeting when Dean said, "It's okay. I understand."  _He said relationship_ , he couldn't get over that part. Cas took his hand and held it but didn't say a word. Both boys looked at each other for a moment before Dean pulled Cas into his arms and held him. He smelled the same heavenly scent as before; of honeysuckle and mint and wood and just... Cas.

Dean reluctantly let go and Cas turned to go to his car. "It's late, I should be home right now", he said. Dean hesitated but choked the words out of his mouth, "No- don't. Stay?". The last part was a whisper but Cas heard him. "Okay", he said and they both headed inside to the house. They went upstairs as quietly as they could and stepped in to Dean's room. Dean made his way to the closet to get Cas a pair of sweat pants while he just stood in the middle of the room trying to make out as much as he could in the dark. Cas saw posters and books and in a dark corner, a guitar. He turned to Dean just as the boy returned with the sweatpants. "You play?", he asked. Even in the dark, Cas saw the blush creeping up his face. "Yeah", Dean said softly. "Here, I hope they fit", and turned to his side of the bed. Cas got changed and slid under the covers. Dean removed his glasses and put them on his bedside as Cas snuggled up closer to him and wrapped an arm around his waist. "Good night kitten", he said in his ear as he got comfortable and dozed off. Dean smiled in the dark and held Cas's arm wrapped around him and fell into peaceful slumber.


	5. Chapter 5

When Dean woke up, he was surprised to feel a body next to him but relaxed when he realised who's it was. He turned and saw a pair of the bluest blue eyes staring at him and it almost made him lose his breath all over again. "Hi", he said in his husky sleepy voice. Cas just smiled and leaned toward him pecking his nose lightly. Dean felt like a fire was burning around his face as it heated up. The other boy got out of bed and stretched as Dean looked on. The tshirt Cas was wearing hitched up higher than anyone expected and Dean got a more than satisfactory view of his lower back. Gulping slightly, Dean got out of bed and Cas turned to face him.

"I- I should go and tell my mom you're here. I'll be back", he said and walked out. He found her in the kitchen making breakfast. "Morning sweetie. Do you know whose car's standing out front? It's kind of blocking our drive and you are going to get late for class if someone doesn't remove it soon", she rambled before Dean interrupted her. "Yeah I know whose it is. It's Cas's. He uh, he came by last night and it was late so, he stayed over. Nothing funny happened!", he said as his mother turned to give him a look of pure anger. "Why did he come here so late?", she asked in a stern voice. "Mom, I will tell you. I promise. Today when I finish class, I'll come home and tell you. But right now, could you just treat him like a regular guest? Please?", he begged her and put on one of his puppy faces too. It was an earnest request so she gave in. "As soon as you get home okay?", she said as she turned back to the bacon. Dean walked up to her and gave a quick kiss on her cheek and left to go to his room and get dressed.

Cas was observing Dean's room when he walked in and jumped in surprise. "Hey. Sorry I was just looking around. I hope you don't mind", he said sheepishly. "Not at all", Dean replied with a big smile on his face. "If you want to use the bathroom is just down the hall on the left but I think Sam's in there so, you might have to wait", Dean started walking to his closet. "Oh god. Gabriel can't stop talking about your brother. Apparently they met at the park or something?", Cas asked surprising Dean. "Yeah. I think they're hanging out together on Saturday, at least, that's what Sammy told me", Dean said.

"It's the happiest I've seen him in a long time. I mean, he is happy generally too but, this was seriously genuine happiness", Cas said. At that precise moment, Dean's bedroom door was flung open and in walked in Sam. "Dean! Wait- is this Cas? Does mom know?", he asked in a rush. "Yes and yes. He also tells me Gabriel can't shut up about you", Dean replied to Sam. Sam blushed and looked down, failing to hide the smile on his face. Cas was looking at him curiously and then chuckled and left the room to go to the bathroom. Sam looked back up just as Cas was leaving and looked at Dean. "I thought you liked Jess?", Dean asked with a slight amount of surprise in his voice. "I do! Who said I didn't?", Sam said defensively and gave Dean one of his famous bitch faces and walked out. Dean smiled, shook his head and went on to get dressed.

Dean and Cas went down together laughing and entered the kitchen. The minute Mary turned and laid her eyes on Cas, they went wide. "Yeah I know, it can be a bit much at times", Cas said and smiled at her. Mary relaxed and smiled. "You must be Castiel. Nice to meet you", she said. "Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Winchester", he replied. "Call me Mary", she said as she slipped some scrambled eggs and bacon onto their plates along with toast.

They left after eating and Dean proceeded to go to his car when Cas grabbed his arm gently and stopped him. "Two cars? No, you're coming with me honey. We're going together", he said. Dean beamed at him and they walked hand in hand toward the silver car.

They got to school fairly quickly because Cas had literally no regard for speed limits or traffic rules and they went their separate ways but not before Cas pulled Dean to him and planted a kiss so fantastic that when it ended, Dean swayed. "Easy there kitty cat. I know cats land on their feet but I'd rather not test that theory out right now", he said as he steadied him. Dean pushed up his glasses and gave a defiant look to Cas. "Meow!", he said and walked away leaving Cas behind laughing like a maniac.

Dean was happy that Cas was back but he couldn't shake off the feeling that there was more to the story than he let on. He let the feeling go as he walked into class and sat down on a seat that was slightly isolated from his class. This was the only subject that he did not have with Charlie because she had taken computer security instead of fluid mechanics, which is what he had right now. He let his mind concentrate on what the professor was saying and took notes.

His phone buzzed a few times but he was too busy concentrating to notice. When he walked into his next class, he was almost assaulted by a tiny (compared to him) red head. "Whoa whoa! Calm down there, ginger!", he said as he shielded himself from her blows.

"I texted you! Cas is back!", she said in an angry whisper. "Yeah I know. We came to college together today", Dean said casually. Charlie's eyes went as wide as headlights and she starting hitting Dean again while saying,"Why didn't you tell me?! Am I NOT your best friend?"

"Calm down! I'll explain everything to you", he said. On their way to their next class, Dean recalled last night's events and relayed them to her which ended when they took their places in class. "What I don't understand is, throughout all this, he couldn't have texted you? I mean, I don't think the cops took his cellphone and said-  _'No texting!'_ ", she said in a mock police officer voice.

"I don't get it either", Dean said softly as the teacher started the lesson. There were so many questions that he had but he didn't want to ask him so soon.  _One day_ , he promised himself.

The day came to an end sooner than he expected but he was glad that it was over. He was standing near a tree when he felt a body ram into him and arms wrap around him to keep him from falling. "Sorry I didn't text. Had a lot of teachers on my case", he said panting.

Dean turned in Cas's arms to look at him. He cupped Cas's face in his hands and kissed him gently. "It's okay", he whispered. "I missed you", Cas said. Dean smiled and said," I missed you too."

They made their way together toward Cas's car in comfortable silence. Dean wasn't ready to leave so soon but he had a lot of explaining to do to his mother and reluctantly turned to get out of the car but was stopped by Cas saying his name. "Dean?", Cas said. "Yeah?", Dean said and he turned to look at him. "This may sound cheesy but I've been getting the guts to do this the entire ride so here goes. Will you be my boyfriend?", he asked nervously and looked at the emerald eyed boy. Dean's face broke into a smile, "Yes, Cas. I'd love that." Cas grinned and pulled Dean by his collar to kiss him. It was nice and sweet and it sent tingles through Dean's body. Dean looked at Cas one last time before he got out and walked to his home, turning to see Cas sitting in the car staring at him as he walked. "Quit checking me out!", Dean called out. "I can't help it! You have that ass and those legs and damn!", Cas said dramatically. Dean acting slightly flustered crossed his arms over his chest and said, "Don't objectify me." Cas started laughing again at that and Dean smiled back and he continued smiling as Cas drove away who was still laughing.

Dean walked into his house and called out, "Hey mom! I'm home", he said looking around. "Mom? Where are- there you are", he said as he saw her sitting at the table with her back to him. "I did promise I'd tell you so here goes", he said as he went to sit in the chair next to her. He looked up and stopped short. "Mom? Mom what's wrong? Why are you crying? What happened? Is Sammy okay? Did something happen to Sammy? Mom say something!", Dean said with panic building in his voice.

Mary looked up, her face stained with tears as more cascaded down. In a small voice she started, "Baby, I got a call from one of your Dad's friends and- and", she tried to control herself as she took a deep breath and let it out before continuing,"Honey I'm sorry. Dad didn't make it. I'm sorry", she said as she broke into more tears. Dean was shocked. "But- but that's impossible. He was coming back home. A week you said, he was supposed to be back in a week. How mom? How?", Dean said in a small voice as his eyes glistened with unshed tears. "I don't know", his mother said as she hugged her son. Dean let the truth hit him and felt the sobs wrack his body and the tears fall freely as he hugged his mother tightly.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean didn't get out of bed the next morning. When his mother came to check on him, he pretended to be asleep. She knew how much John had meant to him and understood why he wanted to stay at home. Sam, on the other hand, had woken up and gotten dressed with great difficulty and a heavy heart. He'd cried, heck he was still crying but he knew the only way to stop from losing it would be to distract himself. He'd helped his mother and told her to take the day off from work just before he left. She had smiled and told him goodbye before going back to her bedroom and let her sorrow take over her.

Dean's phone had been buzzing all morning- texts and calls from both Charlie and Cas but he hadn't bothered to look at him. The battery had died a while ago and the silence was peaceful to him as he lay curled up under his covers.

His dad was gone- the one person he looked up to had been ripped from his life and he felt like he was drowning. He didn't know how he would manage, how he would take care of everything and everyone. Memories from a few years ago started coming back to him. The first time his father showed and explained the intricacies of what lay under the hood of a car and how they all worked together, him teaching him how to change or repair various parts of it and finally, how to build one that's broken. Everything he knew came from him and now there would be no one to show him the ropes, to talk to him about these things. He turned over as another wave of sorrow and sobs possessed him. He tried to keep them silent so that his mother wouldn't get worried but an unintentionally loud gasp or keening sound would escape and he could only hope she wouldn't hear.

He didn't know when he dozed off but when he woke up, he was being shaken awake by Sam. "Dean? Dean wake up, your friends are here", he said softly. Dean grabbed his glasses from his bedside and turned to see Charlie and Cas behind him. He sat up straighter and as Sam left the room, Charlie came and wrapped her arms around him.

"I'm so so sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry", she said as she rubbed his back soothingly. Dean hugged back, holding on to her and controlling his tears. "How- how did you find out?", he asked as he let go of her to wipe the tears from his face.

"Cas...", Charlie started. "Gabe texted be from school. He told me Sam told him. I dropped everything and came over as soon as I heard", Cas said as he walked over to stand close to Dean's bedside. Charlie got up so Cas could take her place and Dean wrapped his arms around him the minute he sat down. Charlie decided to perch herself on the other side of the bed as Dean scooted over so Cas could slip in and lie next to him. They sat like that for a while, Charlie on Dean's left holding his hand and Cas on his right holding him close and running his hands up and down his back.

Charlie's mother had called later and even though she didn't want to go, it was getting late. Cas stayed behind and held Dean close, consoling him if he cried and just holding him protectively.

Soon enough Cas's phone rang and he picked up, scowling at the caller ID. "What? No, I'm not coming home yet. I need to take care of a friend. I might be staying the night. I'll be fine. Yeah yeah, good night", letting out a breath he put his phone away.

"Parents?", Dean asked thickly. His voice was hoarse from the lack of use and crying. "Hmm", he said and his voice rumbled through his chest. The sound was comforting to him and he snuggled closer into him. "You need to eat", Cas said. "You haven't eaten all day and I don't think you'll survive for long if you don't."

"Not hungry", Dean mumbled. Cas huffed as he untangled himself from Dean and got up. Before the boy on the bed could say anything Cas started, "I'm making dinner for all of you. You need a shower so go take one. You can wear pyjamas again, it doesn't matter because you look cute regardless. Now, I'm going to go down and you will be there. I'll tell Sam to tell your mom too. No arguments." He gave Dean a soft kiss on his forehead and left to go talk to Sam. Dean stayed in bed like that for a while before getting up and heading to the bathroom.  _Things are never going to be the same again_ , he thought to himself as he stepped under the hot spray of the shower.

After his shower was done and he was seated downstairs at the table, he observed Cas as he worked around the kitchen. He was currently removing the noodles from the pot onto four separate plates and pouring spaghetti sauce and meatballs into a dish. Mary arrived shortly after and sat down. Her eyes were red rimmed and smile watery but she put on a brave face and it made Dean feel proud. He reached out and held her hand and squeezed lightly before letting it go. After Sam came down, Cas brought out the plates and set them in front of everyone.

"Did you make this?", Mary asked Cas. "Yes ma'am. I hope you don't mind. And uhh, I'm very sorry for your loss", he said. She smiled a sad smile and turned to her food. They ate in silence and Dean and Cas cleared up as Sam took care of Mary. A lot of things needed to be dealt with and Sam was asking her about how much he and his brother could do to make things easier. She told him they'd talk about it over the weekend and retired to her bedroom and bidding them all good night.

"Do you want me to stay?", Cas asked Dean. "I can if you want. I already told my dad so", he stopped as Dean wrapped his arms around him and nodded into his shoulder. They both headed upstairs and Cas quickly helped himself to some clothes for the night. Dean snuggled up to him, his scent comforting and soothing and he slipped into a dreamless sleep.

The morning was relatively quiet as Cas and Dean drove to college. He felt protective of the boy in glasses and kept glancing over at him to make sure he was okay. It became hard for him to let go when they had reached and had to part to make their way toward their classes. Cas's concern was touching but Dean had told him he would be alright and that if anything happened, he'd call. After reluctantly agreeing, he'd given him a tight and lasting hug and left in the direction of his building.

Dean had found it difficult to concentrate in his classes that day and was relieved when his last class came to an end. Cas had texted him a few times during the day to keep a check on him and Charlie had been with him in most of his classes. He was hurting but he hadn't lost it completely the entire day. As he walked out, Cas slipped his hand into Dean's and squeezed before they left together.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the lateness of this chapter. Thank you so much for the kudos and comments! I really appreciate it. Also, if you feel that you know and understand US military funerals better, please comment so that I can make the appropriate changes. Thank you for reading!!

The weekend had arrived and Winchester family was discussing plans for a funeral. The body had been delivered by the Marines and had arrived in the United States. The funeral was scheduled for Sunday and they talked about if they wanted to do speeches. Dean was sitting in one corner of their couch, his mother to his left and Sam to her left. He wasn't talking as much and only talked when either of them asked him directly. He left shortly after, claiming a headache and went to his room. There were a few texts he had from Cas and Charlie but he didn't have the patience to reply to them. Instead, he called Cas up and he picked up a few rings later.

 

"Hey kitten. You alright? Something happened? You want me to come over?", Cas said in a rush of words full of concern. Dean smiled as he replied,"I'm fine... I just- we were uh, discussing about the-"

 

His voice faltered and he hesitated, falling silent. "It's okay, I know. You have me whenever you want me", Cas replied. Tears pooled in Dean's eyes as he cleared his throat and dabbed at them quickly before continuing," Actually, there was something I wanted to ask you. Um, would you.. want to come to the- to-" His words were choked in his throat and tears flowed freely as he let out an involuntary hitch.

 

"Hey hey hey. It's okay it's okay. I'll be there I promise", Cas soothed Dean. Dean breathed in deeply and muttered a thank you before cutting the call. It immediately rang again and Cas’s name flashed across the screen but Dean wasn’t interested in picking up. He knew that he meant well but right now, he was starting to lose it. His stomach hurt and nausea engulfed him and he raced to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. After he was done, he removed his glasses to wipe the tears streaming down his face and splash water on it to feel better. The taste in his mouth didn’t feel all that great so he brushed his teeth and went downstairs to help himself to some water.

 

“Hey. Did I hear you throwing up?”, Sam asked with concern in his voice as he turned the volume on the TV down.

 

“Yeah. I just- you know how I get when I’m stressed”, Dean said softly. Sam nodded in understanding before asking if he needed anything else. Shaking his head, Dean walked out of the kitchen with Bones on his heels. Their dog had a knack for knowing when someone was sick and followed him into his room where he decided to settle at Dean’s bedside.

 

Deciding that he needed a distraction, he turned to his assignments from his classes and concentrated on trying to finish them. They weren’t due for a while as certain topics had yet to be covered but he did them anyway, trying his best to understand and comprehend the concepts and math associated with certain topics. After a while, the words got blurry enough that he decided to call it a night and headed toward his bed.

 

He checked his phone to see his texts and found several from Cas.

 

_Cas- I know you need your space but if you_ _’_ _re hurting and you don_ _’_ _t tell me, I will not be happy. Please, I_ _’_ _m here for you. Just... talk._

_Cas- Don't shut me out you idiot._

He gave up reading them. It's not like he didn't want comfort, but he wanted to grieve alone and in his own way. The only person who had played a key role in his life was gone and on Sunday, he would have his final goodbye.

 

Tears slipped down his face as he went through some of the photos he had of them together. Camping trips, carnivals, birthdays- he relived all of it. Flashbacks of learning how to ride a bike,  over took him as he remembered that day that was lost in his memories until now. Dean had been scared about falling but his dad had reassured him that he would be there, holding him from the back to steady him. It took a lot of coaxing and pleading before his 6 year old self nodded and started riding. The bike felt wobbly and his peddling had been uncertain along with the grip on the handle bars. But his dad had encouraged him to keep going and he took courage from that and gained more confidence and peddled with lesser uncertainty than before. He kept going and before he knew it, he was at the end of the street and had whooped loudly. When he turned and saw John halfway down, he was surprised. He hadn't realized that he'd left him about halfway through. He peddled fast and reached his father who was beaming.

 

"Told you you wouldn't fall", he'd said. Dean had given him a big smile and had raced his father home.

 

The last pictures were of his sixteenth birthday, when his dad had returned and surprised him with the Impala. Dean had seen it at a used car garage and immediately called in love with it. His father had changed over the years, his moods were uncertain. Yes, he loved his family but an occasional burst of anger would engulf him and bitter words would follow. Dean had been hurt by his words on more than one occasion and had learned to be wary. So, when the time came to ask for the car, it had taken him several months and a lot of encouragement from Sam to ask him. Even then, when he had asked his father, he'd gotten a cold stare and a "We'll see". Dean's hopes had plummeted when he heard those words because he knew what they meant; he was never getting the car.

 

When he had woken up on that cold and gray January morning, he was not happy. He rarely asked for birthday presents and this was the only thing he wanted. He had gone downstairs and gotten his hugs from his mother and Sam. When his father walked in he could barely look up but he did.

 

"Dean", he'd said. "Come with me, need you." There were protests from Mary and Sam but he shushed them and Dean had followed him out. He led him out the door and there she was, the 1967 Chevrolet Impala that he'd seen and wanted so badly his soul had ached for it. He had turned to his father with a look of surprise on his face. "But- but you said that-", he'd started.

"Yeah I know what I said. But I thought it was time", John had smiled at him as he held the keys out. "Happy birthday son", he'd said as he hugged him. "Thank you so much!", Dean had said. In the mean time, Mary had decided to take a father- son picture with the car and took a few. That day, Dean and Sam had ridden in it to go to the movies. It had been a happy day.

 

Dean started as he heard knocking on his door. He removed his glasses and wiped his eyes before opening it to see Sam at the door.

 

"Can we talk?", he asked tentatively. Dean gestured him in and they sat down on the bed.

 

“How’re you holding up?”, Sam asked. Dean shook his head in a so-so fashion as he stared at his lap. Sam nodded in understanding and stared up ahead at the wall. “Y-you okay Sammy?”, Dean asked him. “I think so”, Sam replied softly. Dean turned to look at him and saw a tear escape his eye and engulfed him in a hug and Sam sobbed into Dean’s chest. Dean’s resolve of holding back his tears was fading as tears escaped his eyes again as he held on to his baby brother for dear life, whispering incoherent words and sounds of comfort.

 

                                                                        ***

 

Sunday arrived sooner than the Winchester family expected. They made their way to the cemetery where the ceremony would be held. John Winchester was getting a traditional military funeral, 21 gun salute the whole nine yards. Mary, Dean and Sam sat at the front and John’s brothers from the corps stood behind them. They had all returned home since they were released from active duty and had accompanied the body home. After words were exchanged and the coffin brought over, the flag covering it was handed over to Mary along with his dog tags. Tears flowed freely during the ceremony.

 

Dean turned around, a slight feeling of someone watching pricking at him and saw Cas standing a ways away- hands in his pockets, biting at his lower lip. Cas raised his eyebrows and widened his eyes in concern at him as Dean nodded at him to come over. Cas walked slowly toward where the ceremony was happening and stood at Dean’s side. He had showed up, just as he had promised. Dean had almost forgotten, what with him ignoring his phone and letting it die to avoid any and all communication that existed. Without the slightest hint of hesitation, he reached for Cas’s right hand and entwined it in his. Cas stared in surprise but held on without question.

 

After the ceremony ended, they headed home, Cas in tow. There was a lunch that was being held at the Winchester home and everyone at the ceremony came over to offer their condolences and bring food over. Dean saw Sam with a blond haired boy much shorter than him and sent a curious glance at him when he looked over. He mouthed _Gabriel_ and everything made sense. He nodded and looked away as he and Cas made their way upstairs to his room.

 

Dean walked in and Cas followed and closed the door behind him. Dean removed his jacket and slung it over the back of his desk chair and removed the tie and unbuttoned his collar. Cas looked at him the whole time, concern filling his eyes and words dancing at the tip of his tongue, restrained only because he wanted Dean to speak first.

 

Dean sat on the edge of his bed, his back to Cas. After standing for a few uncomfortable seconds, he went over and sat next to him- not too close but close enough. He was dying to speak to him, to tell him how worried he had been and how badly he had wanted to come over just to check on him and if it wasn’t for his brother talking to Sam and updates, he would have. He was fidgeting and then Dean broke the silence, ”I’m sorry. I’m sorry I pushed you away”, he said softly.

 

Cas looked at him, “I’ve been so worried about you. You can’t even imagine. I knew you were hurting but it’s times like these when you need someone with you and I waited for you; the heavens know I did. I waited day and night to hear from you and know you were okay or just wanted to talk. I didn’t like the fact that I had to get updates from Gabriel and not you. _So_ many times I almost drove over in the middle of the night just to see how you were doing. The only reason I stopped was because you said you wanted to be alone. I thought it wouldn’t last long, maybe a couple of hours”, Cas reached for Dean’s hand and gently placed his hand on his. “It lasted long and I couldn’t help but worry. Dean, you mean so much to me and what happens to you, happens to me too and- and you just can’t shut me out like that”, Cas finished and he gripped Dean’s hand tighter. Dean turned and hugged him tightly, breathing in that scent again and feeling better than he has in a long time. They just held each other like that for a while before letting go and taking care of things downstairs.

 

Cas had helped out with everything and stayed till after everyone had left. When things were taken care of, they had gone upstairs to Dean’s room and were currently on their sides, just looking at each other and fingers gently brushing.

 

Without warning, Cas’ hand reached out toward Dean’s face for his glasses. A silent question was in his eyeliner adorned blue eyes and Dean blinked once allowing him to. Cas removed his glasses and stared into jade colored eyes directly for the first time since they’d been together and he lost his breath. They were a prism dedicated to shades of green and right now, they were a dark forest green with brightness emanating from them. “Your eyes are too beautiful to be real”, Cas said as he stared at him entranced. Dean blushed and averted his eyes but looked up and tugged at Cas’ shirt slightly. Cas leaned in closer and Dean stroked his cheekbone with his thumb before kissing him gently. It was full of gratitude, affection and apologies. Cas was a bit surprised but gave in and placed his hand on his neck, gently stoking just underneath his jaw. They stayed like that for a while, in each other’s arms and enjoying the warmth engulfing them before it was time for Cas to leave. Cas and Gabe did, most regretfully so. Sam and Gabe had been in Sam’s room just talking but the way Gabriel had looked at Sam before he left gave Dean the impression that there was something more than just friendship here.

 

That night, Dean and Cas texted for a long time. It was all just sweet nothings but still meant something to both. They slept peacefully that night, more so than they had most of the week.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the lateness but I made sure I wrote a really long chapter. Due to exams coming up I might not be able to post a new chapter till Nov 24th but I guarantee a chapter bonanza around that time as a pre-Thanksgiving gift to y'all. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Also there are certain parts here that may cause triggers. I will not be going into detail about them yet and will give proper warning when I do.

Dean took Monday off just to get himself together so that he wasn’t a wreck throughout the day. On Tuesday however, as he walked to get into his baby, a car honked behind him and he saw Cas smiling at him through the window. “Get in kitten we’re going to do science stuff”, he said loudly. Dean laughed at the reference to Tony Stark and Bruce Banner from the Avengers as he made his way to the car. He got in and put on his seatbelt. He turned to look at the Cas and saw he was smiling. Seeing him always took Dean’s breath away- the sapphire eyes framed by smoky eyeliner, the lip ring just slightly to the left, the eyebrow piercing in his right eyebrow, his hair just sticking up in every direction possible, his neck covered in vine like tattoos… It was all too much to take in.

 

They rode in silence to college, stealing glances with hidden eyes. When they got there, Cas ran over to Dean as he stepped out of his side of the car, an expression of nervousness painted across his features. Dean recognized it and raised his eyebrows asking with his eyes, _What?_ Cas let out a breath and started to speak, “My parents are gone for a couple of days, some work thing apparently. Gabriel and Sam made plans to hang out and I thought we could too?”

 

The words _no parents at home_  and _Gabriel and Sam want to hang out_ were stuck in his head. He knew what it meant, the implication was clear. They were going to have absolute privacy at Cas’s house. A thin tendril of a long forgotten time trembled slightly but he suppressed it. He swallowed before answering, “Yeah sure. Plus, I haven’t seen your room yet”, he said with an easy smile. Cas smiled at home and kissed him lightly on his cheek before taking his hand in his and walking to Dean’s first class of the day.

 

Dean went up and sat next to Charlie. “Hey Winchester! How are you this morning?”, she said cheerfully. He smiled at her, “I’m good. I did miss my favourite ginger though.”“Aww”, she said as he leaned over and hugged her tightly, drawing a deep breath and letting her go. He had missed her a lot and was glad to see her again in all her nerdy element. She was wearing a Lord of the Rings tshirt today which had the entire Fellowship on it. Dean smiled and went on to ask her what her favoutite book from the series was. The conversation continued and they were having a rather intense and whispered conversation during the class about the significance of the second book as compared to the rest.

 

“Tolkien didn’t have to go into so much detail about Isengard and Saruman. The entire book almost revolves around that… AND the tracking and visualization by Aragorn? Pretty unbelievable. It was awesome but when he described how Merry and Pippin escaped from the Orcs, that was a little difficult to comprehend-“, Dean said but was cut off by Charlie. “Yeah I know but Tolkien had to write something about the biggest douche in the story right? The power hungry SOB? He couldn’t have just killed him in a random way. This was the best one. But the emphasis on Minas Tirith was a bit overboard”, she said.

 

He had been so absorbed in the conversation that he had all but forgotten what had happened in the morning. He turned to Charlie, “Hey, I almost forgot. Cas invited me to hang out with him today at his house. He said his parents were going out and so was his brother and we’d have privacy.”

 

Charlie clasped a hand around her mouth to keep from shouting and squealing.  She did flail around like a dying fish before breathing in deeply and calming herself. A sly smile lit up her face, “You know what that means right?” The way she waggled her eyebrows at him caused him to shift in discomfort and that same tendril flutter again. He shook his head and replied, “Yeah I do know what it means. But it could also mean that he just wants to hang out and have fun and get to know each other more.” It sounded reasonable enough and jumping to a conclusion about that invitation, especially the obvious interpretation, didn’t seem right to him. _I mean it can_ _’_ _t be right?,_ he thought. He kept biting his lip and Charlie huffed a breath and rolled her eyes. Class was dismissed and they were in the process of getting their things together.

 

“Seriously? There is only one interpretation to that invitation and it’s the first one that comes to mind, the oh- so obvious one. Have you seen the way he looks at you?”, she asked him. They were walking to their next class and it had started to drizzle a bit. It never rains this time of year so it was a little unexpected.

He also understood that he and Cas hadn’t had the chance to have a kiss akin to the one that long past evening ago at Cas’ secret place. Yes, they had shared kisses sweet and passionate but not with lust, need and pure, unadulterated desire. He was nervous about what may or may not happen but he wasn’t going to think about that right now.

 

“I don’t know… We’ll see how things go”, he said putting an end to the current topic of conversation.

 

The rest of the day was a haze of notes, walking and easy conversation. The tendril was there, reminding Dean of its presence every time he quashed it with pure will.

 

He got a text when his last class was about to start.

 

 _Cas- I_ _’_ _ll meet you by the car whenever you_ _’_ _re done with class._

 

Cas had had an early day, his classes ending earlier than Dean’s. Dean fired off  a quick text to him saying he would be there and then texted his mother and Sam that he would be spending time with Cas at his place and would be home later.

 

He walked to the parking lot, hands tucked in his pockets and the rain slowly and steadily falling. His glasses had water droplets all over the lenses and could barely see much. _The perils of glasses_ , he muttered bitterly as he walked in the general direction of the car and put his glasses away.

 

The nervousness that he’d tried so hard to ignore flared like volcanic ash from a bursting volcano. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and his stomach hurt. He opened the door and sat down, barely seeing Cas on the way to the car and once he was seated inside. “Ready to go?”, Cas asked as he put the car in gear and proceeded to reverse. All Dean could give him was his best fake smile. He hated doing it but in times like these he believed that lying was better than revealing truths.

 

They chatted, random talk about new movies coming out and TV show character deaths. Before long, Cas was pulling into a driveway that led up to a house, _no, MANSION_ , Dean corrected himself as he stared out at the house. Full gravel driveway and iron gates, not to mention the design of the house reminded him a lot of Croft Manor from the Tomb Raider movies and games.

 

“This is where you live?”, Dean asked as he gaped at his surroundings and put on his glasses to get a better view. “Yeah. My mom picked it out”, he said as he drove up and into the garage that had several other cars parked inside. Dean couldn’t stop himself from looking around at everything. It was all so ELEGANT and REGAL and all round beautiful. Cas grabbed his hand and led him through a door that opened up into what looked like a kitchen but was so beautiful it could’ve been a room all on its own. Cas dragged Dean with him since he was rooted to the spot and led him into the foyer. _Yup, definitely Croft Manor_ , he thought to himself as he looked around. The arrangement was the same; the fireplace, the painting of the Novaks above it, the staircase that was behind them and the doors leading to different spaces around the house. He was sure those wouldn’t be the same as the movies and games because the computer room that exists in the game wasn’t really there and in its place was a seating arrangement.

 

“Was your mom in love with Lara Croft or something?”, he asked Cas he got dragged upstairs and moved rather reluctantly, wanting to take each and every detail in. “She spent a year in London in an estate very similar to this and scoured the entire state looking for something similar to it. She ended up finding this place and bought it”, he explained and pulled Dean down a hallway and turned left. A little further up and Cas opened a door and with a sweeping gesture welcomed Dean in, “Welcome to my humble abode”, he said with a flourish and a bow as he waited for Dean to step in.

 

You’d think that with a house of such elegance, the walls would be bare except some eclectic pieces of art but no, Cas’s room was far from it. The room was large and the walls were covered in posters. Posters which were in frames and covered a decent amount of wall space. On one wall was an unbelievably large flatscreen mounted on it with a gaming station beneath it, on one side there was a desk with books, his laptop and other things, a huge bed dominated the room with a floor to ceiling window next to it. The place was goddamn beautiful and when Dean looked around some more, what he found was too good to be true.

 

“You have a record player?”, Dean exclaimed as he ran over to it. The vinyls were all neatly in drawers as he opened them one by one. Cas walked over to him, “Yeah. Digital doesn’t sound the same as vinyl. Sure, I’ve got an iPod and a decent docking station but I love listening to records when I’m in my room.”

He hesitated before asking, “You want to listen to some tunes?”

 

Dean looked through the collection and found what he was looking for and held it out to Cas. “A man of taste”, he said as he slipped the disk on to the record and placed the needle. The minute the opening to Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love came on, he sunk to his knees unable to take the feelings of pleasure racing through him. Listening to them on vinyl was a whole different thing; the song was the same but still _so different._ The melody was richer and the sound was to die for.

 

“This is too goddamn beautiful”, he said with his eyes closed. He was gonna cry from experiencing the sheer beauty of it and to distract himself pointed at a door nearby, “Where does that go?”

 

“Come with me, good sir”, Cas said as he led Dean over to the door. “You ready?”, he asked with a smile on his face. Dean nodded and Cas opened the door. It was a bathroom equivalent to the size of the bedroom and had a closet inside it. Dean’s eyes widened in surprise as Cas chuckled behind him. “Okay. This is nice”, Dean said meekly. Cas laughed and pulled Dean out, “Come on. I brought you here to hang out with me, not show you around my house like a damn tour guide.”

 

They plonked themselves down on the couch and Cas turned on the TV. “What do you wanna watch?”, he asked as he looked over at Dean. After careful deliberation Dean came up with answer, “How about a Tim Burton movie? It’s been a while since I saw one.”“Which one kitten?”, Cas asked. “I’ve got the entire collection.”

 

“How about the Corpse Bride?”, he said. Cas leapt up to where his DVDs, _no BLU-Rays_ , were kept and stuck the disc into the PS4. “Perks of having a PS4, you get a Blu-ray player for free”, Cas said as he sat back down next to Dean a little closer than before. Seeing that there was still distance between them Dean moved closer to him until his left side was pressed into Cas’s right. _What the hell. We_ are _together,_ Dean thought. Cas smiled slightly and started the movie. In between they randomly commented on various scenes and laughed and gasped. Sure they’d both seen the movie but it was like watching it for the first time.

 

Halfway through, Cas had given up and had his face turned to look at Dean and his reactions to everything. He wasn’t enjoying the movie as much as he was looking at Dean and before he knew it, he had leaned in and pulled his face toward him and crashed his lips on his. Dean was slightly surprised but gave in and turned himself so that he was more comfortable. Cas moved in and pressed himself against Dean till he was lying against the armrest on the couch and he was laid on top of him. His hands were on Dean’s back as he explored it. When Cas moved his hands under the hem of his tshirt, he moaned and his hands gripped Cas’ hair tighter. Dean broke away so that he could breathe but that opportunity was taken from him the minute Cas decided to attack Dean’s neck. His mouth had landed on his sweet spot and he nearly yelled out loud from the shivers it gave him. Cas had made it his mission at that point to find all of Dean’s sweet spots and made his way around his neck. He earned a satisfactory number of moans every time and got a very loud moan when nipped at kissed and sucked at a spot just above the hollow of Dean’s neck.

 

“Cas”, Dean said breathlessly and Cas shushed him. His next point of attack was Dean’s ears and he had to hold Dean down after the initial jerk that almost landed him on the floor. Dean was constantly moaning and twisting under Cas’s mouth as wave after wave of sheer pleasure rolled through his body and every dirty sound he could have ever imagined making escaped his mouth. Cas smirked as he shifted a little to slip his hands over to explore Dean’s chest. His nails raked over every inch of Dean and was satisfied as he hissed when his nails ran over his sides.

 

“How long before you stop torturing me?”, Dean growled. Cas captured his lips again and he broke away to whisper against them in a voice that had his toes curling in pleasure, “As long as I want my kitten… As long as I want.” Dean groaned and kissed Cas back hungrily. He tugged at Cas’ lip ring earning him a groan and access to his mouth and Dean licked his way in. His hands shifted from the back of Cas’ head to his lower back and slowly teased the exposed skin before digging his nails in deep and raking them over his back leaving deep scratches. Cas growled and his hand slipped from under Dean’s tshirt and down his jeans to his crotch and palmed him.

 

Dean stiffened and stopped whatever he was doing. The dark tendril that had revealed itself earlier in the day was back in full force and had brought along with it memories that opened up healed scars. He got up immediately pushing Cas away and sat up. He was so scared and felt as though his heart was going to bruise his ribs with its hard thudding.

 

Cas looked at him while he gasped for air, “Dean? Kitten what’s wrong? Did I do something? Are you not ready?” Concern filled his eyes as he cautiously came and sat closer to his jade eyed companion. Dean did not look okay and he whispered without looking at Cas, “Please take me home.”

 

Cas knew something was wrong but he couldn’t do anything if Dean didn’t tell him. Accepting that he would tell him later or when he was ready, he led Dean out and drove him back home. Throughout, Dean stared at the window and tried not to let that dark tendril break him yet. _Just a little bit longer_ , he thought to himself as he tried his hardest to not lose it.

 

When they reached his house and Cas stopped the car, Dean fled. He ran up to his porch and was inside his house before Cas could even get out of his car or yell for Dean. Cas was confused and hurt as he drove away from the Winchester house. _I didn_ _’_ _t even do anything wrong_ _…_ _did I?,_ he questioned himself as he turned his attention back to the road.

 

Back at home, Dean had all but raced upstairs before anything could betray his state of mind. He felt bad about leaving Cas the way he did but there were other things in play here and as soon as he locked himself in his room he lost it. Every single memory of those years came back to him and he fell to his knees feeling winded. Heat engulfed him and he removed his jacket and clutched at his stomach and tried to breathe. He was sobbing harder and harder as that tendril showed him everything that he had been through and his stomach was in cramps.

 

He thought he’d become okay and was now better, he thought therapy had solved his problems. But his afternoon with Cas had triggered a revival of them, of every minute of every day when he’d been sexually abused while he was in primary and middle school and during his time in high school when his boyfriend at the time had blackmailed and raped him repeatedly.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam struggles with his explanation of what happened to Dean. Cas' secrets return to haunt him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy thanksgiving you guys!!! Hope you had a great weekend. I'm on break and will be posting often (hopefully). I hope i don't lose my mojo again.

Sam heard the door slam and looked up at Gabriel at surprise. "He's home already?! Cassie said he had plans for them the entire evening!", Gabriel said. "Something must have gone wrong. I'm gonna go check on him", Sam replied before getting up and walking out of his room and making his way through the hallway to Dean's room. He stood outside and listened, trying to make sense of what was going on. He didn't hear anything so he opened the door and walked in.

"Dean?", he called out as he stepped in. As he walked in further, he saw his brother on the floor in a fetal position with his back toward the door. "Dean! Hey hey hey, what happened?", he said with worry in his voice as he covered the small distance between them and knelt down next to him. What he say made ice run through his veins. Dean's face was blotchy and small sobs were still escaping him as tears flowed from his closed eyes. His glasses were off lying a ways away and it looked like something really bad had happened.

 

"Hey what happened?", Sam asked in a comforting voice as he held Dean to him. He hadn't seen his brother like this in years, not since- Realisation dawned on him as he understood what Dean was going through. His grip tightened and he whispered words of comfort as Dean continued sobbing and trembling in his arms. Hearing a set of footsteps, Sam looked up and saw Gabe standing in the hallway. His friend had a look of concern on his face.

 

"What happened? What's wrong?", he asked Sam in a soft voice. Sam mouthed a later and Gabe continued to stand at the doorway. Sam held Dean for a little while longer before quietly asking Dean if he'd like to go to bed for a while. Dean nodded weakly and Sam helped him out of his jacket and jeans before tucking him in and placing Dean's glasses on his bedside. When he touched Dean's forehead, he was running a fever and went to the bathroom to retrieve some Tylenol and water to give to him.

 

After making sure that Dean was comfortable, Sam walked out and saw Gabe standing with questions in his eyes. "Call Cas", Sam said. "I need to know what happened and then I'll explain what all that was about."

 

Gabe called Cas up almost immediately and asked him to come over to the Winchesters. "He said he'll be here in 20, that is if he doesn't get killed on the way. Idiot's gonna be speeding", he said and shook his head. Sam was thinking about what he would tell his mother when she came back. She knew about what had happened to Dean but he'd never had a trigger like this.

 

Sam and Gabe waited in silence on the couch in the living room. While they waited, Gabe decided to conjure up a lollipop and proceeded to suck on it while Sam chuckled and the golden haired boy waggled his eyebrows at him.

 

Before Sam could come up with a comeback, there was a knock on the door and Sam went to open it to let Cas in. "What's wrong? Is he okay? He just asked me to bring him back and then ran before I could even say goodbye." The way Cas looked proved that what he felt for Dean wasn't casual and was a big reason why he had decided to tell both Novak brothers about what had happened.

 

"I'll explain everything. Take a seat", Sam said and sat down from across them.

Cas sat down and immediately started, “What happened? What’s wrong? Is Dean okay? The way he ran when we came back was like him trying to escape me.”

 

“Cas, slow down. Something triggered it. What did you guys do?”, Sam asked.

 

“We were uh… You know our parents aren’t home right? So after I picked him up this morning, I told him that since you two are hanging out together we should too and that we would have the house all to ourselves. Y’know, get a little privacy”, he said and shrugged his shoulders. “He seemed okay and then he met up with me after his classes got done and I was waiting in the parking lot and he looked nervous maybe? I could understand where the nervousness was coming from that’s why I tried to make him comfortable. We reached our house and it looked like he wasn’t so nervous anymore and was more interested in learning about it than thinking about what may or may not happen later. We went to my room after I practically dragged him up the stairs. He looked so curious about everything… Then we played Led Zeppelin on my record player and he practically had an orgasm right there”, he chuckled and looked up to see Sam looking at him with a look of curiosity and shock himself.

 

“I totally have to come to your house now, Gabe”, Sam said and sent Gabriel an excited smile. The blonde haired boy puckered his lips and made kissing sounds and waggled his eyebrows at Sam making the taller one blush.

 

“Ugh, enough flirting you two. May I go on now? I would like to hear the conclusion of the events that I am currently describing?”, said Cas with a little bit of annoyance in his voice.

 

“Yeah sorry. Go on”, Sam said sobering up.

 

“Okay. So, then he asked me what was behind this one door and I showed him the bathroom and closet and then I dragged him to the couch to watch a movie. He picked one and we sat down and started watching. I was barely controlling myself and when I couldn’t, I jumped him. We started kissing and things got heated. One minute we’re teasing each other and he’s begging me to stop and the next thing I know I’m being thrown off him and he’s sitting up with this look of pure horror and fear on his face. I asked him what was wrong and all he wanted was to go back home so I brought him back. When I thought I could ask him what happened, the front door was slamming shut and he was gone. I wanted to run after him but I decided to give him his space and headed back. I had just about walked back into my house when Candy Crush here called me up, asking me to come over on your behest. So, I drove back and got here as fast as I could. Now, tell me what you know, Sam. I need to know”, he finished.

 

Sam looked at the ground and sighed. This was not his story or his place to tell them anything. Dean would kill him if he found out Sam told his boyfriend and would most probably stop talking to them both. He looked back up to see Cas looking at him hopefully. He glanced at Gabe and took in a deep breath before letting it out.

 

“What you guys did, the kissing and extra stuff, that-“, Sam got cut off by the door closing and his mother walking in.

 

“Sammy hey. Can you help me with these groceries? Oh! Hi Castiel! And…?”, she trailed off as she took in the scene in front of her.

 

“Gabriel. I’m Cas’ brother”, Gabe replied to her. “Nice to meet you. I’m sorry for your loss. I was there for the funeral but had to leave because I had a test the next day.”

 

“Nice to meet you too and thank you”, she said and walked into the kitchen and Sam followed her turning around to tell his friends that he’d be right back.

 

“Mom”, he started. “What Sammy?”, Mary said and looked up. She walked over the minute she saw the expression on her son’s face. “What’s wrong sweetheart?”

 

“It’s uh, it’s Dean. He uh I think he had a very bad episode”, he told her. Mary’s face paled as she raced out of the kitchen and ran off to Dean’s room to check on him.

 

Cas on the other hand had been trying to listen in on the conversation. The voices were too hushed and he hadn’t made out anything of what had transpired between the two. Sam walked back to the living room and saw Cas standing up with a look of frustration on his face.

 

“What the hell is going on?! Why did she run up like that? What aren’t you telling me Sam? What’s wrong?! What exactly _happened?_ ”, he said and took a step closer to Sam.

 

Sam was at a loss of words. How could he explain to Cas what had happened to Dean? It might ruin their relationship. Even his own mother didn’t know most of it. She only knew some, the more recent things. He was tempted to tell Cas but he knew it was wrong. All he could do was shake his head and sit down in the empty spot beside Gabriel.

 

“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry. It isn’t my place to tell. If he talks to you and _he_ brings it up, only then ask him. Don’t bring it up on its own. It might break you apart”, Sam told Cas.

 

“Oh come _on_. You’re seriously giving me that bullshit? For the love of mother Earth just tell me!!!”, Cas said exasperatedly. He was begging Sam to help him understand and maybe, help Dean.

 

“I’m sorry”, Sam whispered and shook his head. “I can’t.”

 

In a fit of frustration and a loud groan, Cas stormed out of the house and got into his car and drove as fast as he could to the only place he could find some peace right now. He reached the abandoned lake and got out of his car and walked toward the edge and fell to his knees. He screamed his lungs out and collapsed on to his stomach, not bothering to make himself comfortable.

 

After what felt like an hour, his phone went off. He didn’t know the number but recognized the +44 country code. _Why the heck would anyone be calling me from goddamn England?_ , he thought as he answered it.

 

“Hello?”, he said tentatively.

 

“Hey there sweetheart. Miss me?”

 

 

*** 

 

Dean woke up a few hours later. The watch on his nightstand said 7 am. He’d been out for over twelve hours. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and snapped his eyes open when he remembered why he’d been asleep that long. The black tendril waved at him as he quickly got out of bed and went to his mother’s room.

 

He shook her awake and crawled into her arms. “Mom it’s happening again. The memories won’t stop. What do I do? Please mommy help me. Please!”, he cried as he held on to her. Mary hugged him closer to her and kissed his head as he continued sobbing. Seeing him like this the first time had nearly wrecked her and seeing him like this again wasn’t any less painful. It was ripping her apart worse than the first time and she didn’t know what to do. He was so happy and now he’s back to the person he was all those years ago.

 

“Help me god. Please send me an angel to help him”, she prayed and clutched Dean closer.

 

In the other bedroom, Sam had heard everything. He could hear his brother crying all the way from his mom’s room. It was killing him that he couldn’t help or tell someone. Even tell Cas or Gabriel. The two boys had grown closer and Sam had been surprised at his feelings for the constantly candy consuming machine. He smiled at the thought before sighing.

 

“Please please please… for his sake, please send help”, he said before getting out of bed and attending to his morning routine.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes back to college to occupy himself. Charlie tries to get Dean and Cas to talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the hits and kudos! I love all y'all!

For two days Dean refused to interact with anyone but family. In that time, Bobby managed to make his trip. He was supposed to come for the funeral but had twisted his ankle, making it difficult to travel. He was the only one that Dean was talking to openly and completely, not even Sam or his mother. It was one way to figure out what Dean was thinking about and they were glad that Dean was at least talking.

Charlie had stopped by once to see how Dean was doing without a Castiel by her side. Dean was glad because he didn't want his boyfriend to see him falling apart and be disgusted by it. He hadn't made any attempt to contact him either.  _Why would he want to text me anyway? He's probably going to break up with me when he sees me next. No one wants to deal with a broken person_ , he had reasoned. It had killed him and was making it difficult to maintain any kind of self-composure when he was reminded of him in any way.

It was Wednesday and he was on his way to college at Bobby's request. "Look, you can't stay cooped up in here boy. Go to class, direct your energy; you'll feel better. If after two days you feel worse, stay back home. Deal?", he'd said. Dean had nodded and woken up the next morning to go. He'd texted Charlie on the way and told her that he was coming to class so she didn't have to email him his assignments.

When he got to college, he'd made his way to class and was sitting in a corner focussing solely on the lecture. It was one of those classes that he didn't have with Charlie and he was glad because he wasn't ready to face her yet. With his attention directed, he felt better and managed to get all the notes he needed without a hiccup.

After another hour, he met up with Charlie. She was looking at him in a way that made Dean feel like he was a weakling. "Charlie, don't look at me like I'm this 5000 year old vase from the Ming Dynasty that's in shambles and is about to turn to dust", he said.

"Sorry, I just- I don't know what I should say or how I should act", she said apologetically.

"Just be normal, your worshipfulness", he said and gave her a small smile with a little bow. That relaxed her and they talked normally. In class they discussed the new Constantine episode and when they were done, she cautiously brought up Cas.

"He wasn't in class today", she said softly.

"What? Who?", Dean said absentmindedly. He was concentrating on what the teacher was saying which to him was very interesting.

"Who?! Cas, you goose! He hasn't been in class since last week!", she said.

Dean sighed before replying, "Can we not talk about him please?"

"But why? Aren't you wondering why he hasn't showed up?", her questions laced in curiosity and surprise.

"I do but I feel like I won't be able to talk about him without breaking down.", he said.

She stared at him and didn't push it further. Seeing he was distracted she pulled her phone out and texted Cas.

_Charlie- You both need to talk. He's in class today_

The reply came after a couple of moments.

_Castiel- I doubt he wants to talk. He's probably mad at me for not calling him or texting him and never wants to see me again._

_Charlie- Really. Coz he just told me that he can't talk about you without breaking down. He's hurting but you need to see him. He probably thinks you don't like him anymore or something._

_Castiel- NOT LIKE?! Charlie, I'm in LOVE with him. How could I even for a second consider leaving him over something that isn't his fault? I want to know everything about him- physically and emotionally but he won't let me in. I need him to know that i'm with him no matter what._

Charlie had to contain herself when she read that text. Luckily for her, class was let out and she walked out with Dean by her side. His next class was not with her; he had a free hour and she had some game design class she had to get to. On her way, she texted Cas.

_Charlie- Please text him. If he agrees to a meeting, even better. He has a free slot so it should work out for you two._

When Cas read the text, he became nervous and Sam's words rang through his head-  _If he brings it up, talk but don't ask him about it on your own. It could break you guys._

Before he could convince himself that Charlie was wrong, he sent a text to Dean.

Dean was sitting in the library attempting to finish up some notes when his phone buzzed. Not really looking at the screen, he unlocked his phone and went to the text. When he read it first it didn't make sense, but then he saw who it was from- Castiel.

_Cas- hey kitten._

Dean's stomach was in knots.  _Why now?_ , he thought. Nervously, he typed out a reply.

_Dean- Hi._

_Cas- you free?_

_Dean- Yeah._

_Cas- would you meet me if I came over to college?_

Dean couldn't risk it. He didn't want to tell him why right now. It would ruin everything and he wasn't ready to tell him either. Cas must have sensed his panic because he sent another text.

_Cas- I promise not to talk about what happened until you're ready. Will you please meet me?_

Dean relaxed slightly.

_Dean- yes_

_Cas- see you soon_

Dean put his phone away and tried to concentrate on his work. Soon after he gave up and decided to go to Cas' and his spot. It was getting cooler, so he grabbed his jacket on while he waited.

A couple of minutes later, he saw Cas walking toward him. His heart sped up when he saw him and when he got closer he was awestruck. He was still beautiful and his eyes were as blue as the ocean on a sunny day but there was something that was different and then Dean saw it. His eyeliner was smudged, his hair less like its usual style and more rumpled and unkempt. His clothes were wrinkled and he was slightly hunched in his walk which lacked the grace he was used to seeing.

When Cas reached Dean, he smiled and greeted him. "Hey."

"Hi", Dean said and scooted over. When Cas sat down and let out a winded sigh, he couldn't help himself. "Cas have you been sleeping? You look tired", he stated.

Cas chuckled, "Something like that. It's been a difficult week; especially because I was deprived of your pretty face."

Dean blushed. "I'm sorry", he whispered.

"Don't be. Just... when you can okay?", Cas said. Dean nodded, understanding what he was asking for. In that moment, he turned and wrapped his arms around Cas' midriff and felt immediately better. Cas held on to him tightly and kissed the top of his head and inhaled his scent.

"Will you tell me why you haven't been sleeping?", Dean said softly. Cas pulled away from Dean but kept a hold of his hands and rubbed his thumbs in circles over them. Looking him straight in the eye he started, "A piece of my past walked in last week the same evening you- it happened."

Dean frowned.  _Piece of his past?_

"We'd met while I was doing my semester in England. He was my dealer... and my boyfriend."

Dean's eyebrows shot up. "Boyfriend? You dated your dealer?"

"Yeah. At the time it made sense because it made getting them easier. Whenever I needed them all I had to say that I was going to Crowley's house or he was coming over and I got my fix. Somewhere along the line, we got involved. We were together for about five months and then three more after I left. We thought we could make it work long distance but I realized it had always been about the drugs for me so I ended it. He didn't take it well, obviously. He called all the time, texted, even managed to get tickets to come to America to visit me but I wouldn't take him back. After a lot of fighting and threats and complaints, he stopped. On that evening when...  _it_ happened, he called me. Told me he was in town and would like to 'catch up'. I couldn't and didn't want to see him so I made up excuses to avoid the meeting. I was still worried sick about you and wasn't handling it well so I'd ended up at the lake to get some relief which never came. I didn't go home till later and when it was late morning the next day he showed up at my door.

"I couldn't believe he'd dare to show up to my doorstep so I cussed him out and asked him to leave. He refused, said he wanted to talk. I kept refusing his requests, went so far as to push him away but no! He just wouldn't stop. He forced his way in and sat down and wouldn't leave until he'd talked to me. I gave in reluctantly. He wanted me to take him back, that it would be different now and that we could be together now that he was moving to the States. 'We won't have to be apart anymore, Castiel' he'd said."

Dean squeezed his hands reassuringly. Cas gave him a smile and continued, "I laughed in his face and told him we wouldn't ever be together and I'd never take him back even if he was the last guy on earth. What he did next was astounding to say the least. 'You know I fulfilled your needs in more ways than one', he'd said winked at me. That was the last straw and I punched him. I yelled at him for being pathetic and told him I'd left drugs and was clean for over a year now. He thought I was joking and tried to get close but I slapped his hands away and stood farther from him. I told him to get out after that, threatening to call the cops. He still didn't leave and continued to plead. I grabbed the panic button and pressed it saying the cops were now on their way. That had him walking out quick enough but he still begged. I was done and just slammed the door in his face." He rested his forehead on Dean's shoulder and Dean leaned his against him.

"But why haven't you been sleeping?", Dean asked.

"He kept calling and showing up; drunk or high or sober and at odd hours. He kept calling my house or my phone. I couldn't leave and Gabriel had had enough of all the drama. He ended up calling the cops and got Crowley arrested and they put him back on a flight to London. And... uh, I couldn't sleep because I was worried about you", he finished and looked up at him.

"I missed you so much. I'm so sorry I didn't text", he said after a moment.

"It's okay", Dean said pecked his cheek. "I have class now. How about you get decent and we can hang out after okay?"

"I  _am_ decent", Cas said in mock horror. "I do have all articles of clothing on thank you very much."

Dean laughed. "You may have all your clothing on but you need a shower. So go take one and grab on some clean clothes and then we can hang out. Cool?", Dean said.

"Fine", he said defeatedly. "Two hours?"

"Yup. I'll be done then", Dean replied.

"Okay", Cas smiled. They held hands and walked together to Dean's class. Cas gave Dean a light kiss on his cheek and then left while Dean went to his class.

Cas was happy to get his kitten back. He'd missed him terribly and that ache had subsided once he'd told him everything. He sighed happily as he drove back to his estate to do as he'd been asked.

Dean felt better after meeting Cas. He had missed him after all and his mood was uplifted. But what gnawed at him was one of his exes had showed up and wanted him back.  _Cas wouldn't cheat on me would he?_ , he shook his head before he went down the did-he-didn't-he rabbit hole of thought.  _He wouldn't. That's all there is to it_ , he thought as he concentrated on the lecture going on.

The two hours passed quick enough and he was on his way to the parking lot. Cas was there waiting against his car and his face split into a huge smile that made his eyes crinkle and he stood up straighter. Dean's heart beat faster the way it did when he smiled like that. His beauty was almost too much for him and he was always on the verge of being overpowered by it.

"Ready?", Cas asked when Dean got close enough.

"Yea- no. I came in my car today so, can we first go home and I can drop it off and then we can go wherever?", he asked.

"Yeah sure", Cas said. "I'll follow you."

Dean nodded and walked off but got pulled back by his wrist into Cas' arms. "You really thought I'd just let you walk away from me without getting some sugar?", he said seductively before placing his lips on Dean's.

Dean was blushing but at that moment he didn't care. He was too absorbed in the way Cas' lips were on his and how his small nips and licks were making him purr lightly. Cas slipped his hands into his hair and tugged gently as he deepened the kiss slightly making him groan into Cas' mouth. His hands held tightly onto Cas' waist and he rubbed his thumbs in circles on his hips.

"Now that's more like it", Cas said gruffly after breaking the kiss. He grinned and pecked Dean's nose who looked like he'd been dosed with drugs.

"Hmm... Uh...", was all that came out of Dean's mouth and he swayed slightly and licked his lips.

"Come on. Let's get out of here", Cas said bringing Dean out from his high.

He nodded stupidly and grinned before he started walking to his Impala. He took off his glasses and cleaned them on the hem of his shirt to get rid of the condensation that had been created because of their kiss and slipped them back on. Cas grinned after him and ran his thumb along the corner of his mouth before he got into his car and followed Dean out to his place.

When they got there Dean quickly went inside and dropped his book bag near the door when an idea struck him. He walked out to where Cas' car was idling and tapped on the window. Cas slid it down and Dean said, "How about we watch a movie at home? I think there's some food left over from last night that we can heat up and maybe cuddle on the couch?"

"That sounds great", Cas said with a smile as he put the car into gear, parked in a more suitable spot, killed the engine and walked over to where Dean was waiting for him. He quickly linked their hands and they walked into the house. After hanging up their coats and slipping out of their shoes and both grabbing a serving of some leftover Chinese food from the night before, they settled on the couch under a blanket and started watching the Amazing Spiderman 2.

Halfway through, their positions were adjusted so that Dean's head was on Cas' lap and Cas was running his hands through his hair soothingly. He always loved when someone ran their fingers through his hair, it calmed him and made him feel warm and safe. Cas smiled every time Dean unconsciously purred while running his hands through his hair and watched as Dean slowly slipped into the realm of dreams.

When he was sure, Dean wouldn't wake up, he removed his glasses as gently as he could so that he didn't disturb him and turned off the TV. He didn't stop running his hands through Dean's hair and started stroking his arm too. Seeing Dean asleep evoked a strange emotion inside him that he'd never had before with any of his companions. He looked so vulnerable and fragile and Cas felt a desperate need to protect him.

At that moment, the front door opened and Mary walked in. "Sam, Dean I'm- oh!", she called but quieted the minute she laid her eyes on Dean sleeping with his head on Cas' lap on the couch. Cas pressed his finger to his lips and pointed at Dean.

Mary smiled gently and mouthed a 'thank you' and Cas smiled at her. She went into the kitchen and Cas went back to looking at the beautiful but broken boy sleeping. He lifted Dean's head gently and got up, quickly slipping a cushion under it and gently laying it back. He kneeled down beside him and stroked his cheek.

"I'll protect you, I promise. I won't let anyone hurt you ever and I'll help you get better, my gorgeous kitten", he said softly and placed a lingering kiss on Dean's forehead.

Dean shifted a little but didn't wake up. Cas bade Mary good night and left the Winchester home and made his way back to his home.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas suffer through their final exams. Cas discovers a part of Dean's secrets. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for suicide. Do not read if you're uncomfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank all y'all for your kudos and reads!! You're all awesome and I love you so much! Also, Happy Hanukkah to everyone celebrating!

Weeks passed, and November had arrived. Their finals were getting closer and Dean was getting slightly worried about getting all his studying done. Since Cas was a major distraction for him, he’d been studying alone and generally keeping his contact low with him. Cas understood but that didn’t mean he didn’t text him every moment he could get. After a while, Dean let his phone die for hours on end just to avoid listening to his text tone over and over again from all the texts being sent.

 

Cas was unhappy with the entire situation. It’d been hard for him when Dean didn’t want to see him or when he skipped college but this, this was a whole new level of torture for him. It took a lot for him to concentrate on the open pages in front of him and he barely managed. As far as he believed, Dean had undone him.

 

When their finals had finally ended, Cas had searched for Dean’s class, grabbed and thrown him over his shoulder and had run toward the parking lot.

 

“Cas! Stop! How have you not fallen?!”, Dean said while laughing.

 

“I can’t take it anymore! I’m not letting you away from me!”, he said as he continued running and finally stopped when he reached his car.

 

He’d barely put Dean down before his hands found their way to his waist and Dean was pressed up against the door of his car and he was pressed up against Dean.

 

“Cas-“, Dean started but got cut off when he kissed him like he had never been kissed before. He quickly managed to pry Dean’s mouth open and explored every inch of his mouth causing Dean to groan slightly. He didn’t stop, he couldn’t stop. His hands ran up and down his back and over his shirt trying to bring them even closer.

 

Dean was quickly running out of breath and had to pull away. He removed his glasses which had fogged up and tried to get them clean but Cas wouldn’t let him go.

 

“Cas, sweetheart, please, I need to clean my glasses”, he said in a breathless voice.

 

“No, no. I don’t want to. I’ve missed you so much and I’m not letting you and inch away from me after you basically _tortured_ me when you asked me to stay away”, Cas said as he pulled Dean closer and buried his face in his neck and inhaled deeply.

 

Dean chuckled. “I didn’t torture you. I just wanted to pass my tests.”

 

“Yeah well, it felt a lot like torture. I didn’t like it”, Cas replied.

 

“Okay. Fine”, Dean relented and placed his glasses on his head and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. “Better?”

 

Cas sighed happily and they stood there for a long time. They didn’t speak one word to each other, afraid that the magic of the moment would be lost.

 

The magic was lost when Dean felt a drop of water fall on his nose. The skies had been gray all day, threatening to spill but no one would’ve thought that it would actually rain.

 

One after the other, they slowly started falling but soon enough they picked up speed. Dean quickly unlocked his car door without breaking their embrace and somehow, fell into the car with Cas on top of him.

 

Dean grunted when he tried to get up to close the door but failed. “Get up, come on. Just five seconds. We need to close the door or we’ll get our feet wet”, he said to Cas.

 

All he got was a grunt in response. Dean sighed. _Time to bring out the big guns,_ he thought. Slowly and barely audible, he started meowing. He knew he was good at this, he’d been told the imitations were practically authentic. They got louder as he stroked Cas’ face with the back of his hand and nuzzled into his hair.

 

The minute Dean had started, Cas had frozen. He was breaking, slowly but surely. It was witchcraft what those meows could do to him and he didn’t know why they did that. He felt warm all over while at the same time, he felt tingles run up and down his spine which were almost painful.

 

“Meooooow”, Dean drawled close to his ear, barely brushing his lips against the skin. He knew he had him now.

 

Cas groaned and got up to close the door, “You’re evil. You’re goddamn _fucking_ evil. I took you for a white kitten, all innocent-”, he closed the door and turned to Dean, “-but hell if you are, you wicked black cat.”

 

Dean smirked up at him with eyes sparkling exactly like a cat’s as he cleaned his glasses on the hem of his tshirt. He lifted his head up slightly and goaded, “Meow, sweetheart. Meow.”

 

He put on his glasses and sat up and looked over at Cas who was breathing a little heavily. Surprisingly, he didn’t feel an ounce of regret at what he had done and climbed over him easily and sat back behind the wheel.

 

“Where to?”, he asked in a cavalier tone. Cas didn’t reply and just groaned. “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”, he teased innocently as he smiled at him. Cas turned his head to look at him and his eyes were overflowing with lust. “Screw you”, he grumbled.

 

The way Cas was looking at Dean was scaring him. He knew he’d crossed the line and there was a full chance that he would pay the price. The air was thick with tension and Dean sat stiffly. When Cas’ hand reached toward him and his fingers touched the outside of his thigh, he flinched.

 

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”, Dean sputtered and turned his face away.

 

“Hey, hey it’s okay. You didn’t know this would happen. Hey, kitten, look at me. It’s okay, I’m not angry. I won’t do anything to hurt you, I promised remember?”, Cas said as he tried to get Dean to look at him  and tugged at this shoulder again. Dean turned slowly and lifted his gaze up to see a comforting look on Cas’ face and in his eyes. “It’s okay. In time… I wouldn’t make you do anything you didn’t want to ever”, he said. Slowly, Dean leaned into Cas and hugged him. This was the first time since his panic attack they had remotely broached the subject. He wanted to tell him, so badly but he couldn’t. Cas ran his hand up and down soothingly and let Dean up when he pulled away.

 

“Okay?”, he asked. Dean nodded and said softly, “Okay.”

 

Cas smiled and Dean gave him a small one in return. At that moment, Cas’ phone started ringing. After a bit of fidgeting, he took it out and saw the caller ID, an annoyed expression on his face. “Hello?... Yeah… Why?... Tell me now… I’m out with Dean… Just tell me woman!... Okay, fine. Sorry… Yeah yeah so what did you want to tell me?... You WHAT?!”

 

By this time, Dean was not just slightly curious, he was very curious. Cas’ voice had risen significantly and he was very angry.

 

“WHAT THE HELL?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!... Oh I WILL RAISE MY VOICE!... No, we aren’t coming and I’m speaking for Gabe too… I don’t _have_ to do anything!... Why can’t they ever come here?!... You volunteer EVERY FREAKING YEAR!!... No I won’t come… Nope not a chance in hell am I coming… WHAT THE HELL WHY WOULD YOU INVITE THEM?! Now there’s NO WAY I’m coming… It’s the holidays that’s why! AND you invited them!... Ugh, for the love of Christmas let me and Gabe stay..!!... You… what?... Huh… Maybe… I’ll talk to him”, he snapped his phone shut and turned to look at Dean.

 

“Sorry about that. My mother’s crazy”, he explained. Dean nodded. He didn’t want to ask what they were arguing about but he was dying to know.

 

“I guess you want to know?”, Cas asked. Dean nodded and Cas smiled lightly before saying, “My mother wants Gabe and I to be with her and my father at Scotland where our other house is. Apparently there’s this big party and all our relatives and friends would be there and…”, he breathed deeply before continuing, “She invited the McLeod’s.”

 

Dean looked at him with a puzzled look and Cas took the hint. “Crowley’s parents. His actual name is Fergus but he chose his own name after a while. I doubt my parents know about what happened when he came here but, I don’t want to see him again. As a bargain, she asked us to come after Christmas, on the 26th. I told her I’d talk to Gabe but I don’t think he wants to go and neither do I, there’s no place I’d rather be than here, with you, celebrating and enjoying”, Cas said and entwined their hands.

 

Dean was upset. He didn’t want for Cas to go either. They had just started being comfortable again and him leaving so soon would upset things largely for him. He had started trusting Cas and was getting closer to telling him about everything but if he left, it might dent it.

 

“I don’t want you to go”, Dean whispered.

 

“I know”, Cas replied.

 

After a moment of quiet, Cas moved to get out of the car. Dean called after him, “Where are you going?”

 

“To my car. I’ll follow you to your place. I bet that’s where Gabe will be”, he said and hopped out and quickly ran over to his car.

 

Dean started his own and started to pull out. He drove in the direction of his house and checked his rear-view to make sure Cas was following before sinking back into the lull of his thoughts.

 

They reached the Winchester home and ran to the porch, unlocked the door and got inside.

 

“Sammy! We’re home!”, Dean called out. His mother was still at work and both made their way to the kitchen. No one responded and Cas gestured to Dean, calling him over to the staircase. Curious, he followed and they quietly padded upstairs and snuck up to Sam’s bedroom.

 

Cas stood with his hand on the doorknob with a look of mischief on his face. He looked at Dean and his intentions dawned on him and he smirked. They hunched a bit and Cas started counting down. Silently, he started mouthing _one, two_ _…_ and he flung the door open.

 

“GOOD MOOOOOORNING VIETNAAAAAAMMM!!!!!”, he yelled loudly and tumbled through the door. Immediately, Gabriel and Sam split apart and away from each other to other ends of the bed, Sam turning tomato red. Dean looked over at Sammy and feigned a look of confusion, furrowed his eyebrows at him and held his hand over his heart mockingly and asked, “But, what about Jess? She’s going to be so heartbroken.”

 

Sam scowled while Cas walked over to his brother and high-fived him, “Nice score!” Gabe winked and smirked and looked over at Sam. “Chill, Samwich. I think they’ve known for a pretty long time that we’d be together.” Gabe’s gaze passed over both Dean and Cas and they both nodded in reply.

 

“Come on Sammy! Loosen up!”, Dean told Sam and patted his shoulder. “It’s all good.” Sam scratched the back of his head and visibly relaxed and let out a small laugh. “So, how long have you guys been going out?”, Cas directed the question to both. “Oh uh… it wasn’t too long after the funeral”, answered Gabe.

 

Both older brothers nodded and Dean said, “Well, we’re happy for you both”, and walked out.

 

“Don’t forget to use protection!”, Cas called out to them as he walked out and Dean and Gabe both guffawed at the remark. Sam tried throwing a cushion but Cas was too fast so it hit the doorframe instead.

 

Suddenly, Cas remembered why they’d first gone to Sam’s room and double backed to it while smacking his head. “Gabe! We need to talk. She called”, he said. For a moment Gabe looked confused but he deciphered what he was saying and nodded. Cas left and headed back to Dean’s room but could hear Sam’s question clearly enough when he asked Gabe what the exchange was about.

 

Cas walked in to Dean’s room and closed the door behind him. He heard the water running in the bathroom adjoining the bedroom and concluded Dean was in the shower. _This is my only chance_ , he thought as he started snooping through drawers in his bedroom. There was only so long he could wait and he needed to understand and complete his picture of his companion. After getting the phone call from his mother, he figured that when he returned, it would take longer to get answers from him and with the way he was driving him crazy, he didn’t want to do something completely stupid that would jeopardize their relationship.

So far he had come up empty. He was on hands and knees in his closet when he found a small box buried in a far corner. When he opened it, he found a small leather-bound notebook with pages peeking at the edges. He stood up and came out of the it and made sure the water was still running and Dean was still inside when he flipped it open to a random page. When he read the title, he felt he’d been run over by a car and fine slivers of glass pushed into his heart.

 

It read, “Reasons Why I Shouldn’t Be Alive.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is here! The time for Cas to leave draws closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone!! Thank you all for reading and supporting this story. It means a lot to me. Love you all so much!

Cas took the notebook and walked out to his car to hide it and went back in. _Just be normal, it_ _’_ _s Christmas._ He calmed down and went back inside the house and pretended like nothing had happened. He decided to talk to Dean about it when he got back from his trip.

 

The rest of the evening was spent cuddling on Dean’s bed. Dean was completely relaxed, happy and content and almost drifted off to sleep when Cas spoke up.

 

“What do you want for Christmas?”

 

Dean let out a small chuckle. “This is going to sound plenty cheesy but, I already got my Christmas present. You.” Blushing a little, he kissed Cas’ jaw and went back to burying his face into Cas’ shirt.

 

Cas laughed and replied, “That _is_ really cheesy. C’mon! Tell me!”

 

“Surprise me.”

 

They laid in silence after that until it was time to go down to dinner.

 

Bobby and his family, Ellen and Jo, came a day before Christmas Eve as a surprise. Jo and he were a lot like twins. He hadn’t told her about Cas yet and when they were talking in his bedroom after dinner, she brought it up.

 

“You look different.”

 

“Do I? How do I look different?”, he asked puzzled.

 

“Your walk. It’s happier. Do you have someone special in your life?”, she teased trying to tickle his sides.

 

Dean scooted out of her reach. “Joanna if you dare tickle me again I swear I will claw you”, he warned her.

 

All she did was look at him with a mischievous look in her eye and wiggled her fingers at him. “State your name, rank and intention or suffer punishment at the hands of the Shadow Proclamation!”

 

He rolled his eyes at her. “I have a boyfriend”, he whispered.

 

Jo screeched and tackled him which led to them landing in a tangled mess of limbs on Dean’s bedroom floor. “Geroff me woman!”, Dean said and spat out a mouthful of hair.

 

“I’m so happy for you! I never thought it would happen, ever. I thought you’d close yourself off after-“, she stopped.

 

“I thought so too but, he’s good to me. He’s coming over on Christmas day so you’ll get to meet him.” His eyes were cast down as he sat up.

 

“Are you okay?”, Jo started hesitantly. “Dad told me you were in a bad way.”

 

“Can we not talk about this please?”, Dean said in a very irritated tone. Jo backed off after that.

 

“What’s his name?”, she asked after a time.

 

“Cas- Castiel Novak,” he said and he could feel his face light up and a smile tugged at his lips.

 

“Wow, you really love him don’t you?”, she said softly.

 

“Yeah. He’s helped me so much.”

 

She hugged him again before heading out to the hallway so that she could go to Sam’s bedroom. Dean had just slid under the covers when his moose of a brother walked in.

 

“Don’t hog all the blankets”, he warned Sam as he got under the covers too.

 

“I’ll try not to”, Sam smirked and turned off the bedroom lights.

 

“Bitch”, Dean muttered just loud enough for his brother.

 

“Jerk.” Sam smiled and got more comfortable. _He_ _’_ _s back._

 

The next morning, Dean, Sam and Jo all headed out to go do some last minute Christmas shopping. It had been weeks since Dean had been working on an idea of what to get Cas and it had, so far, eluded him. He was hoping that something would catch his eye today at the mall that would help him convey his feelings to him.

“Alright, what’s the plan?”, Jo asked as she got out of the Impala.

 

“Well, I say we head our own ways and at 4.30, meet at the food court. That’ll give us about four hours or so of doing our shopping. Sound good?”, Dean looked around at Jo and Sam.

 

They both nodded and the trio made their way inside. Sam ran off in a different direction the minute they entered.

 

“Someone’s in a hurry”, he said to Jo. She laughed before waving goodbye at him and running off, getting lost in the sea of last minute holiday shoppers.

 

“Son of a bitch”, he swore softly. He’d been hoping that maybe he could use her help to help him get a gift for Cas but it seemed like he was going to be on his own. Glancing around, he picked a direction and walked toward it.

 

In and out, that’s all he did. Disappointed and sulking, he walked out of a store that he was sure of would help him find something. _Well, I guess I_ _’_ _m all out of luck this Christmas._ His stomach grumbled loudly reminding him of his hunger and he went to get some lunch.

 

On his way, he passed an antiques store. He barely gave it any attention before his head snapped back and he took two steps back to observe carefully what had caught his eye. His breath caught when he saw it. _It_ _’_ _s perfect._

 

Satisfied, he walked out with his present and resumed walking to the food court. All he was left with were presents for his mother, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Charlie and Sammy.

 

Once he had wolfed down a greasy burger and some fries, he grabbed a coffee and started searching for places to finish his list of presents.

 

At 4.15, his task was accomplished but something still nagged him. Dean scratched his head and looked at all his presents. He took out Cas’ and squinted at the object he held. “Of course!”, he exclaimed and the people around him looked over curiously. He raced over to the store he had bought the present from and walked up to the owner.

 

“Hi! I bought this from you a couple of hours ago and I was wondering if you could do this for me?”, he asked with hope in his voice.

 

The owner listened to him carefully and smiled when he finished relaying his request. “Yes, we can absolutely do that. Give me about forty-five minutes and it should be done. If you want you can wait here or you can finish whatever you want and then return.”

 

Dean was giddy with joy and sat down on a comfortable chair as he waited for the owner to return.

 

Sam had called somewhere past 4.30 to ask where he was. Dean told him he was almost finished and would meet them at the exit when the owner emerged from the back of the shop and returned the object to Dean. After a quick thank you, he ran off and reached the exit of the mall just as Jo and Sam reached there.

 

“Got everything you wanted?”, Sam asked.

 

“Yeah, I did”, Dean smiled so widely that his cheeks hurt. They walked over to the Impala and made their way home. Snow had been predicted for the night and he was looking forward to a white Christmas.

 

When they got home, each ran to the privacy of their own bedrooms to wrap their presents. Fortunately, his mother had brought some spare paper and he took a few sheets and got down to work.

 

The Winchesters and Singers were all sitting around the fireplace in the living room, sipping eggnog and exchanging stories while the snow softly fell outside when Dean felt his pocket vibrate. When he pulled it out, he wasn’t surprised to see a text from his companion.

 

_Cas- we on for tomorrow?_

_Dean- yes. But I have to warn you about Jo. She's going to be very curious about us._

_Cas- you told her?_

_Dean- she's my sister. Plus, she would've figured it out eventually._

_Cas- I'll brace myself against her onslaught of questions._

Dean laughed out loud and everyone turned to look at him.

 

"Someone say something funny, honey?", his mother asked.

 

"N-no. Uh, Cas just wanted to say that he's coming over tomorrow and we were fixing up a time. He can come over, right mom?" He hadn't exactly asked her but considering he'd been over so many times, he assumed it would be okay.

 

"Of course! The more the merrier. When're Cas and Gabe going to Scotland?", she asked. "The day after", he replied softly before getting up and heading to his room. They had tried their best to not bring up the Novaks leaving and the question did nothing to stem the sadness that had slowly been filling him as the days passed.

 

He heard a soft knock at his door and he mumbled a 'come in' without looking away from the ceiling.

 

"Hey, you okay?", Sam walked in and closed the door behind him. He chose a spot on the bed close enough to his brother so that he didn't have to speak too loudly.

 

"He's going away, Sammy. What if something happens when he's gone and we can't make it work?", Dean said in a quiet voice but Sam could hear the hint of worry in his voice.  "Dean, you have to trust him. Not all guys are like the ones from before. He's nice. Heck, if he wasn't, we probably would be having Christmas in the hospital again."

 

Dean flinched at his words. He had a point, Cas had been nothing but good to him and his lack of trust in him would probably cost him more later if he didn't start taking small steps now.

 

“I’m still scared”, he whispered to Sam and turned his face to him. Sam sighed; he knew it wouldn’t be easy convincing Dean that this time was not the same. Gabriel had told him enough that would prove Cas’ loyalty to him but Sam also understands why he was scared. Not engaging in any relationship to avoid certain possibilities was different as compared to letting go and moving on. Dean hadn’t let go and that would make his relationship more tedious than it should be.

 

“Are you ever going to tell him?”, he asked.

 

“I have to Sammy. He told me his secrets and trusted me, it wouldn’t be fair to him if I didn’t to the same. He’d think that I didn’t trust him enough.”

 

“But you don’t, Dean. You’ve been together almost three months; hasn’t he done enough for you to start opening up to him?”

 

“What if he runs away? What if he thinks I’m too broken and leaves me?”

 

“If he thought that”, Sam said as he got up off the bed to leave, “he would’ve already left.”

 

The words rang in Dean’s head. Cas was still with him after the panic attack, he hadn’t left. It gave him hope. Everything would work out.

 

 

Christmas morning was a cheery affair. They all gathered in the kitchen and had a lavish breakfast. Even Bones was bounding around and climbing on everyone but he was probably happy about his Christmas presents which were reindeer antlers and a new bone.

 

When they finished, they headed to the living room to exchange presents. The room echoed with the sounds of ooh’s and aah’s with occasional bursts of laughter. Dean took a moment to look around at all of their smiling faces and in that moment wished his father was there with them.

 

“Okay okay. I have something for Sam!”, said Dean loudly to catch everyone’s attention.

 

“Alright. Merry Christmas Sam”, he said and passed him an oddly heavy box.

 

“Whoa! What is this?”, Sam queried as he looked over the present in his hands before shrugging his shoulders and ripped through the paper and revealing its contents.

 

Dean had no time to save himself from the moment Sam saw what he had given him and his leap across the distance between them. The force of the hug Sam gave him landed him flat on his back with Sam on top.

 

“Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!”, Sam said to Dean and he hugged him tighter.

 

“Sam! Can’t… breathe!”, Dean wheezed out.

 

“Oh! Sorry!”, Sam said as he let go so Dean could sit up.

 

“Star Trek: The Original Series! You’re gonna love it; I know I did”, Mary said as she picked up the box set.

 

Dean was very pleased with his accomplishment. He rarely gave gifts and when he did, he always tried to make them the best ever.

 

“I have something for you too”, Sam said as he produced a small, flat square box. Dean took it from him and shook it making the contents rattle. He quickly unwrapped his present and lifted the lid to reveal an amulet.

 

“Do you like it?”, Sam asked in a hopeful voice.

 

“Yes! Thank you so much Sam!” He hugged Sam just as tightly as he had and slipped on the amulet around his neck.

 

The day wore on steadily and each tick brought Dean closer to the time he would see Cas. Truth be told, he was nervous. This was the first Christmas ever that he would spend with any boyfriend ever and the weight of it was making him jittery and rather pessimistic.

 

Currently, he was in the bathroom, trying to make his hair look good for when Cas came. He wanted to look presentable, better than he does usually and he was unsatisfied with each attempt. When the doorbell rang, he didn’t have a choice except to go answer it and hope he looked decent enough.

 

One last final fix to his hair and he ran out of his room to go answer the door which had already been answered by Ellen.

 

“They’re upstairs”, she told them as she stood aside to let them in. Gabriel immediately ran up and zoomed past Dean to Sam’s room calling out a ‘Merry Christmas!’

 

“Hello, Dean”, said Cas in a deeper voice than usual causing Dean’s head to snap in its direction. He looked stunning in his dark clothes and messy hair making Dean more self-conscious and flustered.

 

“H-hi”, he greeted meekly.

 

“Shall we?”

 

Dean wordlessly walked into his room and Cas followed, closing the door behind them. “Don’t I get a hug?” Dean blushed and walked into Cas’ waiting arms and inhaled his scent, feeling better almost instantly. He wrapped his arms around Cas tighter before pulling back slightly and placing a lingering kiss on his lips.

 

“Merry Christmas Castiel”, he said in an almost whisper and bumped their noses together.

 

Cas’ breath caught in his throat before he smiled and said, “Merry Christmas.”

 

They broke apart and Dean went over to his bedside to bring out his present. They sat in the middle of the bed and waited patiently for the other one to start the trade. They ended up staring into each other’s eyes for a while and Dean was almost disappointed when Cas averted his gaze to bring out his present for him.

 

Dean took the small box from his hands wordlessly and unwrapped it to reveal a ring, a TARDIS ring.

 

“Dean Winchester, the boy who waited, you’ve waited long enough. Will you share this adventure with me?” Dean gaped open mouthed at the ring in his hands. An adventure, a promise. He slipped it on and looked up at Cas and rearranged his features into a smile. “You dork.”

 

Cas shrugged, “I try.”

 

“Here.”

 

Cas looked at the box curiously and ripped the paper off and opened the box that held Dean’s present. Cas’ eyes widened equally as he took in the present.

 

“The One Ring”, he gasped out as his wide eyed gaze turned to Dean. “Does this… Are you…“

 

Dean smiled and said, “ _Gi melin nin aen._ _”_  He leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss against his lips.

 

When Dean pulled away, Cas looked back at the ring and saw that the same words he had spoken were inscribed on the inside.

 

 _“_ _Nin Undomiel_ _”_ , Cas whispered to Dean and hugged him.

 

Their entire evening was spent in Dean’s bedroom doing almost nothing except when Jo walked in to interrogate them both about their relationship. It was fairly boring and Dean tuned out of it and fiddled with the ring that now rested on the ring finger of his right hand.

 

Cas and Gabe both spent the night at their house since Gabe refused to go return for the night. His argument was that it was his last night with his Moose and it would be a while before he got to see him again. Sam had then proceeded to turn beet coloured and chase Gabe around the house until Ellen grabbed them and set them to help with dinner.

 

Dean prayed that the night wouldn’t end, that Cas wouldn’t have to leave and he could stay with him always.

 

“Please stay”, he whispered to Cas as they lay under the covers of his bed.

 

“You know I want to kitten. But I have to go, they’re family”, Cas soothed Dean and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

 

“Please don’t leave without saying goodbye.”

 

Cas chuckled, “It’s not really goodbye after all.”

 

When Dean woke up the next morning, his bed was empty and cold. On Cas’ pillow lay a folded piece of paper. Dean wore on his glasses to read the note better and in beautiful Elvish script were the words-

 

“ _Gi melin. Guren niniatha n_ _’_ _i lu n_ _’_ _i a-govenitham._ _”_

 

_\--_

TRANSLATIONS

 _Gi melin nin aen-_  I love you angel.

 _Nin Undomiel-_ My Evenstar

 _Gi melin. Guren niniatha n_ _’_ _i lu n_ _’_ _i a-govenitham-_ I love you. My heart shall weep until I see you again.

 

The arrangements are approximations of the Elvish phrases based on individual word translations. If any one of you knows Elvish, please post a comment so that I can correct it if necessary.

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas returns from his trip to Scotland. Dean finally decides to tell Cas something very important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warning for rape, molestation and suicide. Please don't read this if you're uncomfortable with it. I will do a small summary in the next chapter so that you have an idea of what happened.

Dean counted down the days until Cas’ return from Scotland. Every day he looked at the note he had left him making him wistful. It had barely been eight days since he had left and he’d been acting as though he’d been gone for weeks. Regardless, every day they talked; or tried to anyway. Cas was being kept very occupied by his parents as they took him and Gabriel around to parties and galas that, in Cas’ words, were ‘popmpous, rich, egotistical sons of bitches compensating for their lack of a sex life with money’. That had brought a laugh out of Dean, a full body, head thrown back laugh. He was better, better than he had ever been and even though they had been apart, he was sure that he would be able to tell Cas about his past.

 

“Dean! Winchester! Come on! We gotta go to the airport!”, something screamed and shook him awake.

 

“Wh- what? What’s going on?”, he grumbled and rubbed his eyes and squinted at the figure bouncing on his bed.

 

“WAKE THE FUCK UP PRINCESS!”, the person said again and pushed Dean to the edge of the bed making it very difficult for him not to tip over and fall off.

 

Seeing a haze of colour, he grabbed his glasses from his nightstand and put them on to get a better look at his attacker.

 

“You know, that isn’t very queen-like behaviour, your majesty”, he sassed.

 

Charlie huffed before starting her poking, nudging and shoving again. “We have to leave! Cas is about to reach and we have to surprise the guyliner off him!”

 

Dean quirked an eyebrow. “Guyliner? Could you not have come up with anything else?” He got out from under his covers and off his bed. After grabbing a fresh change of clothes, he walked out into the hallway to the bathroom to take a shower.

 

 _Finally, he_ _’_ _s coming home,_ Dean smiled to himself as he turned on the faucet of hot water and stepped in, enjoying the spray and causing the bathroom to fog up.

 

They left quickly after Dean’s shower because Charlie would not shut up and kept annoying him. Once they were on the road, she went from annoyer to excited bunny and kept bouncing up and down in the front seat of the Impala with an extremely big smile on her face and bright eyes. Her excitement was contagious and Dean couldn’t help himself and let a toothy smile grace his face.

 

“I just checked the arrivals and his has landed and I’m pretty sure that by the time we get there, he would’ve cleared customs allowing us to get to him right on time”, Charlie said confidently.

 

“Wow, you've been flight stalking haven't you?”

 

Charlie shrugged and smiled. “I’m just excited to see him.”

 

Dean knew how she felt, butterflies, moths and dragons had taken residence in his stomach making him more nervous than he should be.

 

They got to the airport and pulled up where Cas would be exiting from.

 

"Come on! Let's go stand outside so that he can see us", Charlie suggested and they both stepped out. January had not been kind in terms of the weather and the sky was overcast yet again, pregnant clouds floating high above them threatening rain.

 

"I really hope it doesn't rain again", Dean commented as he got out.

 

"Why is Mother Nature always trying to drown us?", Charlie shook her head and walked closer to the gate to get to shelter in case it did start raining.

 

As much as Dean was avoiding looking at his watch and trying not to show is nervousness, Charlie jumped around in anticipation. She'd constantly been looking at her phone to check the time and it was not making him feel any better.

 

After a few moments of Dean's forced calm and Charlie's unfettered excitement, the doors opened and people stepped out. Dean's eyes raced over each face before settling on one clad in black. He was here, Cas was finally here!

 

"CAAAAAASSSSSSIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!", Charlie screamed as she bounded to him and jumped on him. Cas caught her at the last moment and swung her around a big smile brightening his face.

 

Dean hung back and observed them. He waited for Cas to notice him and when he was finally done swinging Charlie around he set her down, his eyes searching for Dean’s. The smokey blue eyes found emerald green and some unnamed emotion flitted through them making Dean’s heart thud harder in his chest. Cas took the last few steps between them and stood in front of his companion, eyes not once breaking contact. The only way Dean could describe the way he was looking at him was that he was seeing Dean for the first time- as though they had never met before.

 

Cas’ hands lifted and he gently brushed the back of his hand along Dean’s jaw. Dean closed his eyes, revelling in the feeling and when Cas’ hand slipped away, he quickly grabbed it and brought it to his lips, gently running his lips along Cas’ knuckles.

 

“Long time no see stranger”, Cas said in a deep voice.

 

“Who’s fault is that?”, Dean replied with a small smile.

 

Cas’ eyes brightened even more and a soft smile adorned his face. “I did miss you, my Evenstar.”

 

Dean’s heart tightened in his chest. “And I you, Doctor.”

 

From the corner of his eye, Dean saw Charlie jump around a little in the spot that she was standing and make a nearly inaudible sound that he thought was a screech.

 

Dean let out a small laugh and looked into Cas’ eyes, “Your chariot awaits, shall we?” Cas nodded and grabbed his bag and they made their way to the Impala.

 

“Where’s Gabriel? I thought he was coming with you”, Dean asked. Sam was more than excited for Gabe’s return and any delay would probably annoy him.

 

“He’s coming by the later flight. That’s what you get for not booking on time”, Cas replied.

 

“So Cas, how was your trip?”, Charlie piped up from the backseat.

 

“Charlie, you really don’t want to know. I’m just glad to be back home”, he said and glanced at Dean. _I_ _’_ _m his home_ , he thought as a very warm feeling filled him up from head to foot.

 

“Dean, you can drop me off first because I have to go out with mom for some convention and I need to pack”, Charlie said.

 

“What convention?”, Dean and Cas both asked together with had all three of them laughing.

 

“It’s a LARPing event. We’re leaving tomorrow.”

 

“Sounds like fun. Next time, we’ll come along. Won’t we kitten?”, Cas said.

 

“Yeah. Sure”, Dean replied as a small blush crept on his face.

 

“Where do we go next?”, Cas asked after they’d waved off Charlie.

 

“Let’s go to your place”, Dean replied. At that precise moment, thunder rumbled through the clouds and a small drizzle picked up.

 

Cas was shocked by what Dean had said. He hadn’t expected Dean to return with him any time soon to Novak Manor; not when the last time they were there things went horribly wrong.

 

“Are you sure?”, Cas asked concern in his voice.

 

Dean only nodded and continued down on the road. They didn’t speak the rest of the way and the rain started pounding heavily when they reached the house. Dean parked at front and they stepped out. He opened the trunk and grabbed Cas’ bag and they headed inside.

 

Cas quickly went around to get all the heating on and to check on the mail that they had gotten. After finishing that, they walked up to Cas’ bedroom.

 

He would never get used to it. For Dean, this was the most beautiful bedroom he would every lay eyes on. He set down Cas’ bag and walked around it, stopping again at the record player and looking through the vinyl collection to find something he wanted to listen to. The entire time, Cas watched him from the doorway, observing his every move and feeling an odd fascination with his movement. What he did not expect was the soft melody of an Elvis song start playing.

 

“ _Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go_ ”, Cas sang along and Dean turned to look at him.

 

“ _You have made my life complete, and I love you so_ ”, Dean sang in a soft voice.

 

_“_ _Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfilled_ _…”_

_“_ _For my darlin_ _’_ _I love you, and I always will_ _…”_

_“_ _Love me tender, love me long, take me to your heart. For it_ _’_ _s there that I belong and we_ _’_ _ll never part_ _…”_

_“_ _Love me tender, love me dear, tell me you are mine. I_ _’_ _ll be yours through all the years, till the end of time_ _…”_

 

As the song played they walked slowly toward each other, covering the distance between them. When they finally stood in front of each other, they sang the last verse together.

 

_“_ _When at last my dreams come true_

_Darling this I know_

_Happiness will follow you_

_Everywhere you go_ _…”_

 

Without a moment’s hesitation, leaned up and kissed Dean while gently holding on to his arms. When he finally let go, his eyes were sparkling with happiness.

 

“I have to tell you something”, Dean started softly.

 

“What is t?”

 

Dean gestured to the bed and they sat down side by side. He looked at Cas and took in a deep breath, collecting himself before starting.

 

“It started in elementary school…”

 

Cas looked puzzled for a brief moment before he realized what was happening and something else flashed in his eyes before disappearing and leaving Dean thinking it was just his imagination.

 

“There was this guy, in my bus. He sat next to me one morning- he was older, by how much I didn’t know. I didn’t like the vibe I got from him so I ignored him and stared out the window. We were in the back and there was little chance of anyone noticing anything. I had no idea what was happening, it was scary. He put his hand on my thigh and started running it up and down. I looked at him and he pulled his hand away. When I turned back to look out, he started up again. Every time I’d look at him, he’d withdraw his hand and when I looked away, he’d resume. When we reached school, he gave me this look and walked off. I didn’t tell my mom. Every morning it happened. I started getting anxious about going to school. I tried to get mom or dad to drop me off. They didn’t know why and I was unsure of what to tell them and so it went on until, one particular morning, I sat in the front. When he got on and saw me sitting next to someone else, he just glanced at me; nothing more. I thought it might be finally over but it wasn’t.”

 

Dean paused then, to spare a look at Cas. His expression was drawn and reserved but his eyes wore a pained look.

 

“He cornered me one day, in the boys washrooms. He locked the door and felt me everywhere. I hated it. I felt sick to my stomach. When school ended and I finally got home, I cried into my pillow. Things with him went on till I reached seventh grade. Our elementary and middle schools were together and when he moved to high school, I was relieved. I was still scared I might run into him but it didn’t happen. I got better, stopped feeling stressed and scared all the time. I began enjoying school again and made friends and things got better. Then he came along…”

 

Cas reached for Dean’s hand and held it, squeezing it lightly to reassure him. With no words he said- _It_ _’_ _s okay. I_ _’_ _m here. You_ _’_ _re okay._

 

Dean looked at their hands together and closed his eyes, letting every emotion go before he resumed.

 

“I met him through a dad’s friend”, he said in a flat voice. “We met a few times and then they moved. We met again when we were in Florida. He was in college and I was in the middle of my junior year. He was nice, we talked normally for a few weeks. At the time, I liked my friend and I would tell him about him. Small things, almost insignificant but they made my day. He would listen to me prattle on whenever we met or when we talked on the phone. It was two months after we began talking that he started getting irritated whenever I mentioned my friend. In odd ways, he started telling me he liked me. He told me that no one liked me like he did, that no one understood me like he did and that I should be with him because he would never leave me and always take care of me. I thought it was romantic that someone would say something like that but when he became incessant, it started worrying me. I would check my phone sometimes in school and I would have thirty-five text messages and maybe four voicemails on average from him. He talked to me for nights on end, sometimes I went to school sleep- deprived. I was almost constantly on my phone and as much as I tried to avoid meeting him, I had to spend nearly every weekend with him. My family was upset, very rightfully so. My friends were worried and he started making me choose between him and friends, him and family, him and everyone else and if I chose anyone other than him, he would get angry at me saying I didn’t care for him.

 

“When he finally asked me out, I didn’t know what to say. Every cell in my body screamed ‘no’ but I said yes. I shoved everyone out of my life, giving in to his reasoning. We talked and met all the time and I was happy; at least, that’s what I thought. I stopped paying attention to school and my grades slipped. We were at a party once and I was with his friends and I hit it off with one of them and he was cute too. He didn’t like it, he got jealous. That night, he drank and got high endlessly. When he had had enough, he dragged me off to an empty bedroom and questioned-no _demanded_ \- what was going on between me and his friend. I denied everything, I told him nothing was going on. He believed me and then went on to kiss me and talk dirty. I got uncomfortable when he started undoing my pants and I stopped him. When I told him I wasn’t ready, he understood and lay down on the bed and passed out. When my birthday came around, he took me out to dinner and we went for a walk late that night. On the walk he gave me his present, a song that he had written. It was beautiful and when we got back to his place, he played it for me. I was marvelling at my luck and when he finished, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. It threw me off, I was too young and didn’t believe in marriage. For a while I stayed silent and he got impatient. When I told him I couldn’t and gave him my reason he lost his temper. He accused me of not loving him, of using him and saying he meant nothing to me. I tried to calm him down and then he hit me hard across my face. I could taste blood in my mouth but I was too astounded by what had happened and stumbled out of his room and away from his apartment. I walked to a friend’s house and stayed there that night. I snuck in to my house early the next morning and surveyed the damage, a small bruise that I covered up easily with some concealer in the bathroom. I didn’t tell anyone anything. Things got worse from that day, his friend’s started telling me I wasn’t worth him and that he deserved better. Their words stung and the hurt built up every single day.”

 

At that moment, lightning lit up the sky and thunder roared as it finally started pouring. Dean looked at the window and saw the rain hammering the glass and the soft sound of howling wind.

 

“Dean, it’s okay if you want to stop”, Cas said quietly drawing Dean’s attention to himself.

 

“You haven’t said my name in a while. I like how you say it”, Dean whispered.

 

Cas moved to turn fully toward Dean when he interrupted him by continuing his story, “It was tense for a little while after that; it took a few weeks for things to calm down. When it finally did, we reconciled and all became better. He had apologized for hitting me and I forgave him. For a period, he let me live my life; there wasn’t any envy, hate or anger. I started meeting my friends again and I finally felt like I was on track. I should’ve learned that it wouldn’t be smooth for too long. It started with being over-possessive, then he told me stories that made me sympathetic and to finish off the trifecta, he started making me do things against my will. The instances were vague at first, he would take pictures of me when I changed my clothes or ask me to talk dirty to him or cuss at him. I thought the cussing was weird but he said that it turned him on so I did it. The next thing that happened was my biggest sign to run away but I ignored it. He asked me over to his apartment and when I got there, I noticed he’d been drinking and getting high but not that much. It started simply enough, small talk, easy conversation, I didn’t think anything of it. I was laid on top of him and we were making out and he undid his pants and forced my head down by my hair and made me give him a blowjob. I knew if I refused him, there would be trouble so I didn’t fight it. Once he was done and made me swallow his cum, he drifted off to sleep. I snuck out and got home, no one was there so I ran up to the bathroom and threw up. I had never felt more violated in my life. I pretended as though I liked it and he made me give him more, there were times when he’d make me touch myself while blowing him or force me to masturbate for him, make a video and send it so that he could get off. That year, I nearly failed eleventh grade. My grades were in the dumps but I didn’t care because I was in love. I did everything he asked of me. One day, my mom sat me down and tried to talk some sense into me. I listened to her and agreed, it was time to end things. I went over to his apartment after school to tell him and when I did, he exploded. Things flew everywhere, he was yelling at me and then he grabbed me and threw me on the bed. He got on top and tried to rip my clothes off and I tried my hardest to fight him off but he flipped me over and tied my wrists together so I couldn’t do anything. When I screamed out loud, he hit me and gagged me. I was paralyzed and too numb to be able to do anything.

“Once he was satisfied that I wouldn’t be going anywhere, he got up off me and pulled me further on the bed and went around the room collecting things. I tried to block everything out but when I heard a soft click, I froze. As far I could turn around I did and saw him set up a camera and come toward me. He said, ‘I’m going to make you a pornstar. You’re going to be famous.’ I started thrashing again and he pinned me down easily and ripped the rest of my clothes off. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I begged him to stop through my gag but he didn’t care and when he thrust in, I felt like I would die. There was too much pain and I couldn’t stop crying. He went on and on until he came in me. When it all ended and he was dressed he whispered in my ear- ‘you leave me, and I post this online. Imagine how many people will come to you asking for a good fuck.’ He untied me and I got my things together and walked back home. It was difficult and everything hurt too much. I got home, showered, took painkillers and didn’t wake up until two days after. Everyone was worried but I brushed them off easily, saying I was just over-tired. Over the next few months, every sexual activity of ours had the potential to be recorded and he did. He had a collection and as many times as I begged him to let me go, every time he threatened and blackmailed me. It started getting too much and I- I started… I couldn’t help it.”

 

Dean stood up in front of Cas surprising him. What surprised him even more was when Dean started removing his shirts and unbuttoning his pants. He tried to protest but stopped when he saw what Dean was trying to show him.

 

His waistband was littered with straight lines and his shoulders had too many scars. His upper arms were covered in more cuts than he could possibly imagine with a few on his wrists. When he turned around, Cas gasped at the sight- there were welt marks and cuts all over, with very little skin not scarred over.

 

Dean turned around to look at Cas and saw tears sliding down his face smearing his eyeliner everywhere. Cas reached out a hand cautiously toward the scars on his waist and he ghosted over them with trembling fingers, afraid that too much pressure might open them up though they had completely healed over.

 

“I’m so sorry”, Cas said in the softest of whispers.

 

“It’s okay Cas, you don’t have to be sorry”, Dean replied.

 

Cas tried not to startle Dean as he leaned forward toward him. He did tense up as he got closer to his stomach but when his lips lightly brushed over his old scars, he couldn’t help his breath hitching and the tears pooling in his eyes which rapidly started falling. With each light brush of Castiel’s lips against his scars, more tears fell and when Cas reached his arms, he pulled him into an embrace full of frantic emotion. They stood like that for a good while until Dean calmed down and wiped his tear tracked cheeks with his hands. He put his shirt back on and buttoned up his jeans and sat back next to Cas who held him in his arms protectively.

 

Dean felt lighter and waited before he was collected enough to continue.

 

 “It got much worse after that, my life became a nightmare. He hit me, raped me when I refused his advances, blackmailed me every time with all those videos when I tried to break up with him and threatened to kill my family and friends. I stopped sleeping, eating, living. In December that year, it got too much. It was a few days before Christmas and everyone was out shopping and I took that moment to do something I had been contemplating for a while. I decided that it was time I killed myself. No one cared, no one would miss me and all the pain would finally end. I went to my room and took out the bottle of pills I had been carrying around and swallowed most of them. Then, I grabbed the X-acto knife I used to cut myself with and slit my wrists deeper than usual. All I remembered was the blood flowing from my wrists before I passed out.

 

“I thought it was over, that I would never wake up again. But I did, I woke up in the hospital. Mom was by my bed and when she saw me, she started crying and hugging me. She told me I’d been out for days and that I’d lost so much blood they didn’t know if I would make it. I apologized to her and broke down and cried in her arms. I told her everything, all that had happened and asked her to help me. She called the cops and he got arrested. We celebrated Christmas in the hospital that year, while I recovered. I couldn’t believe what I had put my family through and I vowed never to do anything like that again. I was going through therapy in the hospital and when I got home, my sessions continued. For a long time I was on anti-depressants and sleeping pills to help me sleep but she stopped them when I got better and could sleep on my own. The nightmares were difficult at first but slowly, they faded. I got my grades back up and slowly got back to my old happy self again. We moved here after that and I never saw him again. He tried to get to me through various friends but they were loyal and didn’t tell him anything. The last thing I heard was that he was in some prison.”

 

Cas let out a breath and held Dean to him as the storm raged outside. It was nothing compared to what was going on inside him, tearing him apart gradually. He gave Dean a tight squeeze and let him go and made his way toward his bag.

 

“Cas?”, Dean said quizzically as he watched him walk away.

 

Cas didn’t say anything as he bent down and unzipped his bag and started searching for what he needed. When he had, he pulled it out and held it in his hands, refusing to turn back toward Dean.

 

His eyes welled up with tears as he turned and said in a broken voice, “I’m so, so sorry.”

 

Dean’s gaze shifted from his face to the item clutched in his hands. He stared at what he was holding feeling completely winded. His mouth worked but no words came out, he felt icy.

 

“Please, say something”, Cas begged him.

 

“W-where did you get that?”, Dean said in a barely audible voice.

 

“I- I didn’t know… and I needed to know! I found it and I couldn’t help it. Dean, you have to understand. I love you and I saw you broken and afraid and I had no idea when or if you were going to tell me-“

 

“So you thought that reading my journal would give you answers?”, Dean said in an acidic tone as pain coursed through him. He felt betrayed and tears pricked the corners of his eyes.

“I DIDN’T KNOW! I panicked! Do you have _any_ idea what shape I was in after what happened to you when you came here last? Dean, I have been in love with you since I laid eyes on you. You’re my everything, I would rather _die_ than live without you!”, Cas said with fervent need.

 

Dean was angry and hurt. He got up, walked over to where Cas was standing and grabbed his journal from his hands and walked toward the door. He paused slightly and looked over his shoulder and said in a venomous tone, “Then why don’t you?”

 

He walked out without giving him a second glance. Behind him, Cas fell to his knees in agony as the words hit him. Sobs wracked his entire body and he screamed for Dean to come back but Dean ignored every piercing howl and walked out and towards his car, trying to control his own tears as he got in and started her up.

 

When Cas heard the front door open, he got up and ran downstairs, stumbling over his feet as he tried to get to Dean before he left but he was too late. Dean was in his car and had the engine revving before he peeled out of the drive in a haze of screeching tired and gravel. Cas ran into the rain, yelling himself hoarse and tried to keep up as long as he could before he was forced to stop and fell to the ground in defeat.

 

"DEAN!", he yelled out to the darkness and screamed his pain out for the heavens to hear.

 

 

Dean sped through the rain washed streets paying no heed to caution, trying his hardest to get home as soon as possible. Cas had betrayed him, the person he truly loved had invaded his privacy, hadn’t trusted him enough to accept that he would tell him.

 

He wiped away his tears furiously and ran out of his car and into his house as fast as he could. He ignored his mother’s greeting and ran up the stairs, slamming his door shut and collapsing on the bed. He ran a hand over his face and felt the ring he loved so much and removed it unceremoniously, flinging it into a corner of his room.

 

 _I loved him, and he betrayed me._ That was Dean’s last thought before he starting weeping wildly and wailed into his pillow, paying no heed to anyone.

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winchester vs. Novak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for my extended hiatus. Writer's block combined with being depressed is not a good combination. Also, too many tv shows and too much crying. I also watched To Write Love On Her Arms and if you haven't, you should because it's an amazingly inspiring story and shows the true reality that is depression and self harm and addiction. Please watch it and try buying Jared's tshirt because all proceeds are going to TWLOHA. I love you all. Always Keep Fighting.

Frantic and relentless banging startled Mary while she prepared dinner.

 

“Coming!”, she called out as she walked quickly to the door and opened it to find a very distressed and drenched Castiel at her doorstep.

 

“Castiel! What brings you-“

 

She was cut off by Cas interrupting her. “Where is he? I need to see him, I need to explain-“

 

“Calm down. It’s okay, come inside and we’ll talk”, she gestured at him with her hands and he stepped inside heading to the living room and standing in the middle of it.

 

“I need to speak with him. Where is he? Where’s Dean?”, he said in a voice brimming with tension.

 

“I think you need to sit down first. Sam! Go check on your brother”, she hollered up the stairs. “It’ll be fine. He’ll bring him downstairs.” Her words seemed to soothe him and he sat down on the couch, elbows on his knees, hands clasped tight and leg bouncing up and down with nervousness.

 

“I’ll get you a towel”, Mary said kindly and walked out leaving Cas alone.

 

 

In a huff, Sam got up off his bed and walked over to Dean’s room. “Dean, your boyfriend’s here.”

 

He didn’t get any answer so he knocked. “Dean? Cas is here, he wants to see you.”

 

Still no response had Sam worried and he twisted the doorknob. “Dean? Are you okay?” He glanced around the room and when his eyes found his brother, he darted inside and was at his side before he knew it.

 

“Dean? Dean! What happened? What’s wrong? Why is Cas here demanding to see you? Hey, look at me”, he said quickly. He walked around so that he wasn’t facing his back and what he saw made his insides clench in pain.

 

Dean’s face was blotchy and eyes swollen. His glasses were askew and the first thing that came to Sam’s mind wasn’t pleasant.

“Dean? Did- did you?...”, he asked softly hoping for the best.

 

Tears leaked from Dean’s eyes and his face contorted in pain and he pressed it into the pillow, to somehow escape Sam.

 

Sam’s felt his stomach twist before asking him, “Where?”

 

“No, Sam. Don’t… you don’t want to see please…”, Dean pleaded in a pained voice.

 

“Show me”, he said in a soft yet stern tone.

 

Reluctantly, Dean lifted his shirt and pulled slightly at the waistband of his jeans and the sight made Sam take in a quivering breath before covering his brother’s hand with his own and pulling his shirt back down.

 

“Why so many?”

 

A sob escaped Dean’s lips and he started crying again. “It’s okay, you’ll be okay”, Sam consoled him and brushed away the tears cascading down his face.

 

A few minutes passed and Dean collected himself enough to whisper to Sam what had happened.

 

“I told Cas everything. It felt good an-and the-en he… he had my notebook, Sammy. The one I had to keep after… everything. He didn’t trust me and it hurt so much.” Dean dissolved into sobs again and curled up more into himself to contain his shaking.

 

Hurt and angry, Sam made his way downstairs to find his mother.

 

“Mom? Where are you?”

 

“Here, what’s wrong honey?”, she asked and Cas followed her.

 

“What happened? Is he okay?”, Cas asked in a concerned voice.

 

Sam sent a glare in his direction before leading his mother into the kitchen and told her what happened.

 

“He relapsed. Cas took and read his notebook that the therapist asked him to keep before he could tell Cas about what had happened”, he told her in a whisper.

 

Mary’s eyes widened and she raced up the stairs as Sam’s eyes rounded back on Cas. He filled them with as much anger and vehemence as he could muster before speaking to him.

 

“You couldn’t have waited? Was that so hard for you to do? He asked you for time and you decide that he’d never tell you? That he’d never trust you enough to tell you all that he’s been through? The condition he’s in right now, that’s on you Cas, all on you. Let me finish.”

 

Cas had tried to interrupt but Sam was too angry to let him speak till he was done.

 

“You have no idea how long it took us to get him to the place he was at, how much it took have him sleep and eat normally and actually talk again. You broke him worse than that guy did. He _loved_ you, Castiel, loves you; has loved you since the first time you met. He had faith in you, you were the first person he decided to let in after so so long. How do you feel, huh? To be the person who betrayed him? He wasn’t willing to tell you, to be honest. I convinced him, told him he needed to start taking small steps to make it work between you both and that if he kept delaying it, he would never get around to it. I-“ Letting out a breath he started again, “I _vouched_ for you. I told him it would be all for the better and bring you closer and help him heal. Now, I feel like I should’ve told him to stay away and have never taken a chance on you if it meant him not getting hurt.”

 

Cas was slowly breaking and tears started running down his face at Sam’s words. He felt like he’d been punched and there was no air in his lungs.

 

“I didn’t know… I had no idea… I needed to _know_ , Sam, I needed to know so desperately that I didn’t care how I got to it. He means so much to me, he’s my soul, I can’t live without him… He has to know that.”

 

“Yeah well, it’s better if you stay away for a while. He needs to get over this, get over what happened, get over you.”

 

Cas’ eyes went as wide as saucers and he scrabbled at him in desperation, “Y-you wouldn’t… Sam, please, I can’t stay away from him. Don’t punish me like this!”

 

Sam glared back at him coldly. “Do you know what you’ve done? How much pain he’s in? He relapsed, Castiel, all. Because. Of. You.”

 

Cas’ eyes became puzzled and Sam let out a short, harsh laugh. “You don’t even know what I’m talking about do you?” He shook his head and walked a few paces, running a hand through his hair in frustration and turned back to Cas with a straight face, “He cut himself. Again. Worse than ever. I hope you’re satisfied.”

 

Cas felt like he’d been struck by lightning and it felt as though everything was happening in slow motion as he fell to his knees and stared at the floor, his vision blurring with tears and a hollow feeling filling him. His ears were ringing and his mind flashed back to the afternoon when he’d seen faded lines and marks that were scattered across Dean’s body and the realization that he was now responsible for more marks on him had him gasping with pain.

 

“I need to see him… I need to _explain_ …”, he said in a near inaudible voice.

 

“I can’t let you do that, not yet. He doesn’t want to see you right now and I don’t know if he’ll want to see you any time soon. You should go home, Gabe must be waiting for you.”

 

Sam helped him up and led him to the door. There was a light drizzle outside and Sam walked him to his car and watched as he drove away. Now the question was, what was going to happened between him and Gabe?

 

 

Dean had calmed down a bit after a hot shower and his mother was tending to his cuts, while he tried his hardest to not let a fresh torrent of pain overpower him. He barely heard Mary tell him to sleep early, hardly felt her hands stroking through his hair and didn’t acknowledge her when she kissed him on his forehead. He didn’t feel hungry and sleep felt far from him and so, he stayed awake, staring at the ceiling and trying to see the cracks in it without his glasses. An odd calm had settled over him as he got out of bed and walked to where his journal was lying on the floor. Sitting down on the floor, grabbing his glasses from the nightstand and leaning up against the bed, his fingers brushed across the cracked leather, whispers of the past tugging at them with their invisible tendrils.

 

He took a breath and flipped the cover to the first page, a small pocket was there and he knew what it held- his first blade. He’d kept this one in the notebook because he didn’t know where else to hide it but in due course of time, he’d learnt to hide multiple blades in different places. _Just in case_ _…_ The memory made him grimace as he shifted his gaze to the words on the page. He barely read the first few words before turning to the next page. It’d been a one page piece of fiction about a lost boy in the rain, walking the lonely streets with no idea where he was.

 

Page after page, he kept going, occasionally stopping to read a piece of writing or gaze at the occasional artwork. Sometimes, there’d be blotchy or smeared ink or there’d be a couple of drops of blood on the page and he’d remember why those days were harder or what had happened. He kept going, the paper sounding each story without reading it. Some pages were damaged, torn or missing and he remembered them as times when his frustration had been too much, conquered by his suffering he’d dug the cool edge into his skin deeper and deeper, the pages assaulted by his temper. He still remembered the ghosts of that pain and trudged on till a blank page presented itself. Reaching into the drawer of his bedside table, he pulled out a pen and started writing.

 

_It feels stupid that he has so much control over me, that anything he does has the power to make or break me. I want to hate him right now, so much, but I understand why he did it. I didn_ _’_ _t want to tell him but I did and it felt good even after what happened. I didn_ _’_ _t like the cutting, it was_ _…_ _automatic. Before I knew what was happening, it had happened three times. Then it was three more, then it was four. It was so bad, the pain in my heart. I love him so much he doesn_ _’_ _t even know. I want to see him again but I don_ _’_ _t know if I_ _’_ _m ready, ready to be in front of him after knowing he read everything. I thought I heard him downstairs but I was probably imagining it. I wonder if I can ask Sammy to tell him to come tomorrow. I don_ _’_ _t know how to let go and it_ _’_ _s killing me inside. I want all the scars to disappear, I don_ _’_ _t even remember how my skin looked without the marks. I want to go back to a time where everything was simpler, when I didn_ _’_ _t know what people could do to me or what I could do to myself. I want to erase everything, make it clean again._

 

Sighing, he put away the notebook and his glasses and slipped under the covers, feeling slightly at ease and letting everything fade to black.

 

 

Cas couldn’t sleep, he paced back and forth, eyes darting to his vinyl collection and resisting every urge demanding he go over to it. In a fit of anger, he grabbed the lamp from his desk and threw it against the wall and screamed as loud as he could. He sank to the floor and curled up on the floor, whimpering against the carpet. A fresh wave of sorrow washed over him and he crawled over to where his records were lying and dug through to the bottom, his fingers wrapping around a small box and pulling it out. Looking through his records, he pulled one out and skipped to the song he wanted.

 

He stood up and walked over to his desk while Led Zeppelin filled the room. He sat down in his chair just as the first verse started.

 

_Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light_

_To chase a feather in the wind_

_Within the glow that weaves a cloak of delight_

_There moves a thread that has no end._

Cas’ hands trembled as he opened the box and stared at the contents inside. His entire being was frozen and tears kept flowing. His hands got to work taking them out one by one.

 

_For many hours and days that pass ever soon_

_The tides have caused the flame to dim_

_At last the arm is straight, the hand to the loom_

_Is this to end or just begin?_

 

He removed his jacket and tied the tourniquet around his arm. His arms rested in his lap and he stared at them. He knew this was wrong, so wrong but he’d decided there wasn’t another solution. He needed to do this.

 

_All of my love, all of my love,_

_All of my love to you._

_All of my love, all of my love,_

_All of my love to you._

 

He clicked his lighter and held it under the spoon, watching the concoction come to life. Satisfied, he picked up the syringe and dipped the needle into the liquid and pulled on the plunger, watching as it filled the syringe.

 

_The cup is raised, the toast is made yet again_

_One voice is clear above the din_

_Proud Arianne one word, my will to sustain_

_For me, the cloth once more to spin_

_All of my love, all of my love,_

_All of my love to you._

_All of my love, all of my love,_

_All of my love to you._

 

Once the syringe was full, he tapped his arm to find a suitable vein. He grabbed the end of the tourniquet in his teeth and lined up the needle against his skin. It stung slightly as he pushed it in and for one wild moment, his lips quirked up at the familiarity of it. As he pushed the plunger, he tugged free the binding from his arm.

 

_Yours is the cloth, mine is the hand that sews time_

_His is the force that lies within_

_Ours is the fire, all the warmth we can find_

_He is a feather in the wind._

 

The last words that escaped his mouth before slipping into a heroin induced haze were, “I’m sorry Dean…”

 

_All of my love, all of my love,_

_All of my love to you._

_All of my love, all of my love,_

_All of my love to you._

_All of my love, all of my love_ _…_

_All of my love_ _…_ _to you_ _…_ _._

  
  



	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean introspects and tries to talk things through with Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here! Finally! Phew! I hope you like it. I tried to make it as long as possible. I'm so so sorry for the delays. Love y'all so much

Dean was slowly recovering from the absolute disastrous betrayal by the love of his life. His cuts had healed over but some were slower than others. The one good thing was that he’d decided to leave his room after only four days. Sam and his mother were very relieved and his recuperation gave them hope that he’d get over his pain sooner rather than later.

In all honesty, Dean knew why he was getting better; he’d forgiven Castiel. The past few days of introspection had led him to the conclusion that even though he’d been angry at him, he hadn’t meant any of the words- he loved Cas more than life itself. The more he contemplated over everything, the more he got the urge to see Cas. His notebook was filling up with happier things now. The poems he wrote weren’t as depressing, the stories had happier endings and his art was dedicated to Cas- it was all about that one sapphire eyed boy and he had never felt better.

 

After helping his mom with cleaning up after dinner, he made his way to Sam’s room. When he reached it, he stood for a moment before he knocked softly.

 

“Hey Sammy? Can I come in?”, he asked softly.

 

The door sprung open and Sam ushered him in. “What’s on your mind?”, he asked as they both sat down on the bed.

 

“Have you heard from Gabriel?” There was no point to beating around the bush. As far as he could tell, the younger Novak hadn’t come over though he thought he heard him arguing on the phone late at night and even thought he heard Castiel once though he could be wrong.

 

Sam stiffened. “Uh…”, he fumbled for words. “Not really, no.”

 

“Sammy did you stop seeing Gabriel because of Cas and I?” He couldn’t bear the thought of his brother breaking it off with his best friend because of him.

 

“Dean…”, Sam trailed off. “It’s more complicated than that.”

 

“Stop being vague and tell me.”

 

Sam sighed and launched into the explanation he’d convinced himself of, “You have to understand, you weren’t in good shape and if I kept being friends with Gabe, I thought you might get upset because you might get reminded of Castiel.”

 

 _So it is because of me_ , Dean thought. “I don’t want you to stop seeing him just because of that. It isn’t fair to you. Sam, call him up and make it right.”

 

“Dean, come on!”

 

“No buts, Sam! Call him and make it right.” With those last words, he stepped out of his brother’s room and walked to his, feeling a little less guilty. Sitting at his bedside, he checked his phone. _Dead, of course._

He plugged it in to the charger and headed off for a shower to calm his mind down.

 

The second he got out, he made a beeline for his phone and checked it, he wasn’t disappointed. There weren’t a ‘few’ texts. There were, fifty seven text messages and all of them were from Cas. The latest one had been sent yesterday. Dean went through them, a frown on his face. The gist of them was that he missed Dean and wanted him back, what Dean didn’t understand is why they stopped a day ago.

 

 _What if something happened to him?_ Concern and anxiety pooled in his gut as he read through them again before deciding he needed to go and check up on him. Yes, it was past midnight but he doubted his parents were back. Walking over to his closet, he grabbed on some sweats and a hoodie along with his shoes and quietly made his way downstairs. He walked into the kitchen and looked around for a piece of paper. Finding one, he quickly scribbled a note telling his mom he was going to Cas’s to check up on him, just in case someone woke up. He pushed his glasses up to keep them from slipping and grabbed the keys to the Impala and softly opened the front door and slipped out into the night.

 

Dean drove in silence, his mind focussed on Cas and his wellbeing. Even though he’d been to his home only twice, Dean remembered the route fairly easily and was pulling up the gravel drive in no time. He stopped at the front door and killed the engine, staring at the entrance. Driving to Novak Manor was one thing, getting up the courage to get out of the car and go to the front door was a completely different thing altogether.

 

For the next twenty minutes, Dean sat in the front seat of his car and just stared at the door, willing it to be opened so that he doesn’t have to. _It_ _’_ _s just a door! All you have to do is ring the doorbell. You can do this!_ With nervous surety, Dean got out of the car and walked to the door. _One, two, three, four_ , Dean counted in his head. His hand reached for the bell and he rang it. He flinched when he heard it echoing around the house but didn’t make any attempt to run. He could do this, he wasn’t a coward.

 

When he heard footsteps, he tensed and started getting tummy cramps. The door swung open and in front of him stood Gabriel.

 

“Dean..? What’re you doing here? I thought Sam made it clear he didn’t want me to see him and Cas to see you”, he said in a tone laced with hurt and venom.

 

The words stung and Dean felt regret. “I-I’m sorry Gabriel. Sam can get a little overprotective sometimes.”

 

“What do you want?”

 

Dean hung his head and stuck his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “Can I see him?”, he asked softly.

 

“I don’t think he wants to see anyone right now”, Gabe said coldly.

 

“Please? I’m worried about him. I saw his texts today and I really really need to see him. Please Gabe, let me in.” Dean wore a pleading look which he hoped would work. He _was_ worried about Cas, even if his brother thought he was lying everything was true.

 

“Fine”, Gabe stepped aside and let him in. Before another word could be exchanged, Dean ran off to where he knew Cas’s bedroom to be. His hands were sweaty and he wiped them down on his sweats before taking a breath and knocking softly on the door.

 

“GO AWAY GABE!”, came a yell from inside. Hearing Cas’s voice again made him feel like his blood was singing with life.

 

“It isn’t Gabe”, he said through the door. After a pause, he heard scrambling around and random noises and then there he was, standing in front of him, with his messed up hair and eyeliner and piercings and tattoos.

 

“Dean…”, he breathed as he looked at him with wide eyes. “What’re you doing here? Sam told me-“

 

“Yeah I know. But I needed to see you. I’ve wanted to see you for a few days now.”

 

Cas didn’t say anything except step aside. Dean walked in and was struck by his room, but this time, it was because it was a mess. Glass lay everywhere around shattered frames and torn posters. His bed was unmade and clothes were everywhere.

 

Dean turned around so fast he nearly got whiplash. “What is all this? Why is everything a mess?”, he asked shocked.

 

Cas looked down at his bare feet and then looked up again. “Isn’t it obvious?”

 

 _Because of me._ He turned back around to the mess and carefully navigated through the glass and sat down on the bed. He didn’t stop looking and while his eyes swept the floor, he saw something he’d hoped he never would.

 

“Castiel, come here”, he said in a commanding voice. Cas hesitated but when Dean cast him a no-nonsense look, he came over and stood in front of him. He grabbed Cas’s left wrist unceremoniously and tried to shove up the shirt sleeve but Cas started trying to twist out of his grip.

 

“Let go! What are you doing?!”, he said in an angry voice.

 

Dean didn’t say anything except look at him softly and say, “Please…”

 

“You don’t want to do this”, Cas said in a voice with a slight tremor.

 

Dean started to move the sleeve up again and all Cas did was beg as tears slid down his face. Once he was past Cas’s elbow, he saw them, the needle marks. Tears filled his eyes as he looked at Cas who was looking away. Dean pulled his arm toward himself and pressed his lips against one of the needle marks. Dean heard Cas gasp but he didn’t stop and continued on, brushing his lips over each and every one of the marks. When he finished, he looked up to find Cas staring at him, tears still falling. He shifted his hand from Cas’s arm to his hand and stood up, grasping Cas’s other hand as well. Slowly, Dean leaned in and gently pressed his lips against Cas’s right cheek, then his left and finally, his lips. Cas took in a deep breath and stood up on his toes, pressing himself against Dean’s torso.

 

Dean broke away and pressed his forehead against Cas’s. “I missed you”, he said softly. Cas opened his eyes and peered at Dean through his eyelashes. “I missed you too.”

 

Cas took a step back and looked at Dean and trailed his eyes downward before stopping at his waist. “I need to see”, he said and started reaching for him.

 

Dean should’ve realized that because he looked at Cas’s scars, he’d have to show his too. Giving in, he gave a small nod and closed his eyes. He felt hesitant hands reach and lift his hoodie and pull down his sweatpants a bit. He tilted his head back and felt a tear escape as fingers lightly skimmed along the healing scars. But when warm wet lips touched his skin, he involuntarily let out a groan. His hands twitched at his sides and his breathing was hitched as Cas continued planting kisses along his waist.

 

“Cas please…”, he barely managed to get out. Cas stood up and held Dean’s face, gently running a thumb along his cheekbone. “Not now, kitten, I know.”

 

Unconsciously, Dean’s lips found Cas’s again and they dissolved into each other. Tongues clashed and dominated and they fell into a heap on Cas’s bed. Dean was under him, one hand on his neck and the other on his hip gripping it tightly. Cas was trying his hardest to contain himself from doing anything to set Dean off again.

 

“Dean…”, Cas breathed as he broke away and sat up.

 

“What?”

 

“I need to know…”

 

“Tell me. What is it?”

 

“I need to know, can you love me again?”, Cas asked with eyes cast down.

 

Dean leaned up on his elbows and reached out, tilting up Cas’s face to look into his beautiful eyes. “Yes, my angel, I can and do.”

 

A big smile appeared on Cas’s face and he nuzzled into Dean’s neck and hugged him tightly. Dean’s arms wound around him and he inhaled Cas’s scent, the one he had missed so much and hoped he would get to smell for the rest of his life.

 

Tired and emotionally drained, they lay under the covers and let sleep take them.

 

Dean woke up a few hours later, slightly disoriented and saw morning light peeking through the curtains and making the room slightly bright. Feeling Cas behind him and spooning relaxed him. _I could get used to this_. He reached around for his glasses and grabbed his phone off the floor to check if his mom had called. There weren’t any calls from her but there were a couple from Sam. Gently extricating himself from Cas’s warm and alluring embrace, he made his way to the hallway to make his call to Sam.

 

He dialled and waited. Sam picked up on the seventh ring.

 

“Dean? Where are you?”, he asked in a panic.

 

“Hey. Calm down, I’m okay. I came to see Cas.”  


“We told you not to go! He’s only going to hurt you more!”, Sam replied exasperated.

 

Dean sighed. “Hear me out okay? I understand why he did what he did. It was very wrong and a complete and utter violation of my privacy but if I was in his position, I probably would’ve done the same. He made assumptions and worked off of those, I totally get it. I forgave him, Sammy, the night it all happened. And, I’m glad I came here last night. I really needed to see and talk to him and it was worth it. He needs me as much as I need him, now more than ever.”

 

“What happened to you?! Did he make some pity argument or something that I don’t know about?”

 

“Sam, get a hold of yourself!” Dean was angry now. Nobody talks about Cas like that, not even his own brother. “I talked to him last night after everything happened. He’s a mess, more than me. I wasn’t the only one who relapsed, Sammy. I need to take care of him. Please, you have to understand.”

 

His heart hurt thinking about what had happened to Cas because of him. Dean had only cut but he had broken is vow of sobriety, something that was, to Dean, the worst thing that he could ever imagine. Dean had decided that staying apart had hurt them more than staying together ever could and he was going to stick with Cas for the rest of his days alive.

 

“He relapsed? What do you mean?”, Sam asked.

“I thought you knew, that maybe Gabe told you.”

 

“Told me what?”

 

“He was a drug addict. He’d been sober for a year and now he relapsed.”

 

There was silence on the other line.

 

“Sammy? You okay?”

 

“Y-yeah, I’m fine”, Sam said sounding distracted.

 

“Did you talk to Gabe like I asked?”, Dean inquired already knowing the answer to the question.

 

“No.”

 

“Talk to him. He looked like hell when I met him. Please, for me?” Dean hoped the ploy would work.

 

Sam sighed before replying, “Yeah. I’ll call him after I’m done talking to you.”

 

“Thanks Sam. Also, tell mom not to worry. I’ll be back home soon.”

 

“Okay sure. Bye.”

 

Dean cut the call and walked back into Cas’s bedroom to find him still sleeping. He walked over to the other side of the bed and knelt down, placing his arms on the edge and resting his chin on them, observing Cas sleep. He drank in everything, each and every feature, each smudge of eyeliner, each piercing, each crinkle of skin, each shadow. He reached out toward his nose with his right hand and started tapping it to wake him up.

 

Cas groaned and tried to swat his hand away but he just chuckled and went on annoying him.

 

“Stop, you goose. Knock it off!”, Cas said annoyed as he opened his eyes slowly.

 

“Goose?! Wasn’t I kitten?”, Dean replied in a mock offended tone.

 

“Hmm… that you are gorgeous, that you are.”

 

Dean blushed and looked down and smiled.

 

“Hey…” Dean looked up only to end up gazing into Cas’s hypnotic eyes.

 

“Hi”, he mumbled.

 

Cas gently ran his fingertips across the back of Dean’s hand. “Where’s your ring?”

 

Dean looked at his hand before replying. “I was so angry and hurt, I removed it. After everything, I just forgot to put it back on.”

 

“It’s okay, I understand.”

 

“C’mon, let’s get some breakfast”, Dean said as he stood up but Cas grabbed his hand and pulled him down.

 

“Dean, please stay with me, for a few days”, he said and kissed Dean’s knuckles. “I need you.”

 

Dean leaned in and pressed his lips against Cas’s forehead and then his lips. “Yes.”

 

Cas smiled and got out of bed, following Dean downstairs to the kitchen. He got all the ingredients together for pancakes and bacon while Cas sat on a bar stool and observed him work. Since everything was pretty much labelled, he didn’t have a problem finding everything he needed. Grabbing a bowl, he quickly got to mixing up the batter and throwing the bacon into a pan. Once everything was cooked, he served Cas and sat down beside him.

 

“Bon apetit!”, he said and watched Cas dig in who let out the most vulgar sound imaginable after taking the first bite making Dean flush slightly and be glad for sweatpants.

 

“This is so good it’s like eating you”, Cas went on as he stuffed his face with another bite. If Dean was glad for sweatpants before, he was worshipping them now.

 

“Um, thanks”, he said and started on his own plate of food, trying to calm himself down.

 

Once they were done, they went back upstairs to Cas’s bedroom.

 

“I guess we should clean up huh?”, Cas asked as he surveyed the damage.

 

Dean just sighed. “Where do you keep your brooms?”

 

“Storage closet. I’ll go get them.” As Cas left, Dean went over and sat down on the bed. He took out his phone and dialled his home, knowing he needed to talk to his mother and sort things out.

 

“Dean?”, she sounded worried. “Where are you? Why aren’t you back yet?”

 

“Relax mom, I’m at Cas’s. He needs me here for a few days.”

 

“Why? Why does he need you? Dean, I want you back home right now.”

 

“Mom, I talked to Sam. You have to let me stay. I wasn’t the only one affected okay? He relapsed and broke his sobriety. Mom, please, let me stay. If you want, we can come over there instead if you’re worried.”

 

“He’s a drug addict? Dean Winchester you’re coming home right now or I’m going to ground you till the day you graduate”, she threatened.

 

“Mom you don’t understand! He needs me as much as I need him! He makes me feel better. Okay, let’s make a deal. I spend the day with Cas and then I come home and we can talk about this then. Please?”

 

She was quiet for a moment before conceding. “Fine. But we need to talk about this in detail. Cas can come too and bring Gabriel along. Apparently, Sam’s been talking to him all morning.”

 

Dean smiled. “That’s good to hear. I’ll see you later mom. Love you.”

 

“Bye sweetie.”

 

Dean cut the call and Cas entered. He hesitated but asked, “How long have you been standing there?”

 

“Not long”, he said and stepped inside. “Was that your mom?”

 

Dean nodded. “She wanted me back home but I convinced her to let me stay. She wants you to come over though, and Gabe. Would you want to come?”

 

Cas sat down next to him and put the brooms aside. “Of course, I’d love to. Also, I think your mom wouldn’t be as tense then.”

 

Dean smiled. “Let’s get your room clean”, he said and stood up, grabbing a broom off the floor and getting to work.

 

Cas sat a moment and observed Dean working before sighing and getting to work with him.

 

Fortunately, they managed to get the room clean with minimum delay. Two hours later, they were collapsed in a heap on the bed, Dean’s head on Cas’s tummy practically dozing.

 

“Do you want to go to my place right now? I have some things to show you”, Dean said and looked at Cas. He nodded and got up to get some clothes and tossed them in a bag. They made their way downstairs, calling for Gabriel along the way which turned out to be useless because he was waiting for them when they got down.

 

Dean walked to the Impala and got in, waiting for Cas to get done with locking up the house and turning the security system on. Gabriel was already inside and munching on a Snickers bar when Cas got in and Dean started the car, making his way down the drive and towards home.

 

But when he glanced at Cas, leaning out the window and enjoying the sunny day and wind, he knew he was already home.

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas, Dean and Gabriel arrive at the Winchester home. Mary confronts both Cas and Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back in writing mode woohoo!!!! Also, reading like crazy. I wrote this a while ago and thought I'd make it longer but I decided I'd post it as is and write and post a new chapter soon. Also, MY COLLEGE IS ALMOST OVER I ONLY HAVE ONE DAY LEFT. And JIBCon is awesome. And if I could send physical hugs to Jared I would.

Dean had barely stopped the car before Gabriel raced out and ran up to the doorstep to the Winchester house. “Someone’s excited,” he muttered under his breath causing Cas to chuckle. By the time they got out and reached the entrance themselves, the door had been opened and Mary stood watching them. Cas visibly shrunk, ducking his head and refusing to look at her.

 

“Hey mom,” Dean greeted and walked in followed by Cas.

 

“Welcome back, hello Castiel,” she greeted him in a not so warm voice. Cas only nodded and stepped over the threshold and followed Dean inside to the living room.

 

“Okay, so, Dean I want to speak with you first. Castiel, please go upstairs to Dean’s bedroom and I’ll ask him to come get you when I’m done speaking with him,” Mary said curtly. Cas gave Dean one last look and got a nod in return from him, making his way up the stairs to his bedroom.

 

Dean and his mother sat across from each other. She waited patiently, knowing Dean would be ready to speak soon.

 

“Mom, he’s… he’s not okay. What happened with the whole diary and me- me cutting, it wasn’t his fault. I overreacted and I shouldn’t have said the things I did-” Mary had interrupted, holding up a hand.

 

“Dean, he caused you to relapse. You cut, again. You cut after you promised me you wouldn’t. You were better, so much better I… I just don’t understand why you would _let_ yourself do that again.”

 

“Mom, I was hurt. It was unbelievable the amount it hurt me at that point in time. If anything, it was agonizing and dizzying and made me want to break something. In this case, it wasn’t a vase like a normal angry and hurt person, it was my own skin. And I’m so so sorry for breaking my promise, but you have to understand, I wasn’t the only one who relapsed. Once Sam sent him back, he started using drugs again. I don’t even know how he got his hands on them or if he had them already but it’s just as bad for me as him. We’re both addicts in our own way, you understand better than anyone. We need to help each other, all of us. Hopefully I won’t have urges and I think Cas will be having withdrawal so, we need to take care of him. He needs us, mommy. Please, help me help him; help us keep fighting.”

 

Mary’s gaze had softened by the end and she considered his words silently. “You love him, after everything you do. What if there comes a point where it just doesn’t work anymore?”

 

The question hung heavily between them but Dean hadn’t thought about it, not ever. Maybe unconsciously he knew that it would happen because Cas was a year ahead and considering his options, he might be forced to move by his parents or job or whatever. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” he said dismissively.

 

Mary sighed but nodded. “I need to talk to him. Send him downstairs and don’t try and sneak in on the conversation, I’m pretty sure he’s going to tell you anyway but I need to talk to him with the knowledge that we aren’t being overheard. Understood?”

 

Dean nodded and headed up the stairs to his room. Walking inside, he found Cas sitting in a corner of the bed reading a book. He looked up when Dean walked in and asked with wide eyes full of a silent question- _Is it time?_ Understanding, Dean nodded and Cas got up slowly and walked over to where he was standing. He held Cas’s hand and squeezed gently before letting him pass through the door and down the stairs.

 

Sighing, Dean sat down on his bed. His mother’s final question buzzed around in his head, no matter how much he tried to concentrate on other things. Frustrated, he got up and walked over to where Cas had been seated a few minutes ago to see what he’d been reading. 

 

Walking over, he smiled as he noticed the cover and picked it up. Cas had been reading ‘American Gods’, from the same place that he’d left off. _It_ _’_ _s not like I have anything better to do,_ he thought and flopped onto his bed, got comfortable and started reading beginning his wait.

 

Dean jumped slightly when something fell on his bed. He sat up startled only to see Cas with his arms outstretched reaching for him with apology written on his face. “Sorry I startled you.”

 

“It’s okay,” Dean shook his head and carefully placed his bookmark at the place where he stopped before putting it back on his bedside. _Here goes nothing._ Slowly and deliberately, he turned around. Reading had passed his time and the urge to know what his mom was going to say to Cas had taken a backseat but had now returned in full force. He waited a moment with downcast eyes before muttering, “Should I ask or will you tell me?”

 

Cas sighed deeply and Dean looked up to see a hand extended toward him. He took it and snuggled into Cas’s side, wrapping an arm around the older boy’s waist and resting his head on his chest. Cas gently stroked his arm in thought while Dean waited.

 

“You know your mom loves you right?” The question had Dean puzzled but he didn’t interrupt as Cas continued. “She loves you so much you have no idea. Sometimes I wish my mom was like that, been around to take care of us, encourage us, share in our joy and sorrow. But she was always off gallivanting across the globe attending some event, meeting some client, striking some deal. It wasn’t just her it was my dad too because he wasn’t any better. If she was in China, he was off whoring around in Thailand. It’s not that they didn’t have parenting skills, they just weren’t parents. We were always taken care of by butlers and nannies while they were off. Heck, even when they _didn_ _’_ _t_ have anything to do they never lived with us, always choosing to stay away and calling us instead. They only started staying home occasionally when their business slowed down a bit and had more time on their hands. That was the only good time I guess, the only time when we were a proper family and when they actually cared about me and Gabriel. It was a miracle that they were around when my grades slipped and they caught me doing drugs. Then again, they haven’t been around much since I went to and came back from rehab. They’re back to their old ways.”

 

“Why’re you telling me this?” Dean was honestly curious, what had his mother told Cas to start revealing his relationship with his parents? He had thought that their interactions over the phone were curt and cold but he didn’t expect this.

 

“Dean… This is me trying to tell you that I understand why your mom wanted to question me. She’s worried about you and considering… what happened… I’m surprised she even let me in the house.”

 

Dean got out from under Cas’s arm and sat up to look at Cas. “What’s going on Cas? What did my mom ask you about?”

 

“In all honesty, she thought I’d tricked you into letting me back into your life. She didn’t let me try to convince her before starting to ask questions. Her questions were about me, my past, my drug use. She asked me if I’d tried to force you into anything or threatened you. I told her about everything, about my parents, the drugs, my acceptance of your need to wait, the reason why I took your diary, the cause and reason for all the pain that I caused you which if I could, and I so desperately wish for a Time Turner for that, to take it all away and never let it happen. I had been so sure I could pull through till the day you told me about what happened in your past but curiosity got the best of me. I was too selfish, too needy, too blinded by the urgency to know about you that I didn’t care that I would be hurting you. I’m so so sorry for that, no matter how many times I say it I know it will never be enough even though I know you disagree.”

 

Dean smiled at what he said but stopped when Cas uttered the next few words. “She told me about you, about everything, or so she thinks it is. Dean, why haven’t you told her about the rest?”

 

Dean was incredibly uncomfortable to say the least. Even he didn’t know why he hadn’t told his mother about the molestation and the complete depth of his previous relationship. Cas reached for Dean’s hand and held it. “She isn’t going to judge you, you have to trust her to not.”

 

A tear slid down his face and Dean moved his free hand to swipe it away. “I’m ashamed. Some things were without my consent but there were some that I consented to no matter how unwillingly. I am at fault in some part of it and that haunts me every day.” He was trying very hard not to have a complete breakdown in front of Cas but he could feel it failing very quickly.

 

“That woman is incapable of ever hating you. Tell her, lessen your pain, heal. She needs to know.” Dean leaned back into Cas’s arms when he pulled and silent tears slid down his face. “She told me she would do anything to protect you, that if I hurt you again I would have to leave town and never return. She told me about you having learned to not trust people who waltzed into your life and that if you let me in, it was a big deal. You’re so precious to her. She’s still mad at me about everything but she’s giving me another chance because she believes you’re better with me. I told her it was a two way street. She said I could stay and she’d help with me getting out of my addiction so, you up for a sleepover kitten?” The tone was teasing and Dean laughed a little and sniffed. He nodded and looked up into Cas’s beautiful piercing eyes which were staring into his green ones. Cas brought his hand up to his face and gently brushed at the tears away before kissing him tenderly.

 

“Boys! Dinner!” Mary’s call startled them and they pulled away and laughing like there was no tomorrow. They left the room still chuckling a bit and made their way downstairs only to find Sam and Gabriel sitting at the table with their back to them, their hands entwined between them.

 

Dean and Cas both aww-ed loudly making their younger brothers turn around. While Sam blushed and smiled, Gabe smirked and winked before turning back to Sam and kissing him gently on his cheek. Cas held up his hand to rest on his chest and he said in the girliest voice possible, “Totes adorbs!”

 

Dean laughed so hard he keeled over onto the floor. “Shut up,” Sam muttered but still smiled widely. Nothing could ruin this night for him, he was happy.

 

After regaining some composure, Dean got up and wiped at the tears streaming from his eyes. He quickly readjusted his glasses and sat next to Cas at the table. Mary placed a meat casserole on the table and everyone dug in, enjoying the meal and each other’s company.

 

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas have a heart to heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Wow! I wrote! This story is ending in a couple of chapters which is why the postings are after so long. I'm trying to extend my journey with this story for as long as I can. I love it to bits and the prospect of it ending is painful. So, please bear with the slow updates!

“Didn’t you want to show me something?” Cas asked as he stood behind Dean who was currently rinsing and putting dishes into the dishwasher. Dean’s body stiffened momentarily before he continued to put plates and cutlery away. Yes, he remembered what he had said and wasn’t planning on going back on his decision. It was difficult for him, to reveal a part of him he kept private and hidden for his eyes only. He had a problem wording his feelings, what he truly felt but was unable to. His only release had been art and words and poetry. A jumbled pot of feelings translated into various forms in an attempt to understand himself.

 

Showing Castiel the journal now, at this point, when it contained not just his past pain and blood and nightmares but also his hopes and love and future and everything in between. Something he had kept to himself for a while and the offer to show Cas had just slipped out, like it had been dragged from his lips by an unknown force. He had no idea what his intention had been, to gauge his reaction with his own eyes or to let him know about the power he held over Dean. It was risky and a lot had already been risked before this.

 

Feeling courage spread through his veins he stood up straight and turned to look at Cas. With his hands on his hips and a look of feigned curiosity on his face, Dean steeled his heart and convinced himself that nothing would go wrong and it would all be for the best.

 

“Yeah. Just let me get done with all these dishes and I’ll show you when we go upstairs.” Dean turned away but saw the nod Cas gave him before leaving and going to the living room. Bracing his arms against the counter Dean drew in a deep breath and let it out through his nose. Cas was curious, intrigued to know what he had to reveal. He reflected in his mind to the pages that sat upstairs in his bedside drawer. Each new page recreated itself behind his eyes as though they were right in front of him. With each page, he felt nervous and queasy, reluctant even to show his heart inked on paper.

 

 _What if he doesn_ _’_ _t like it and thinks I_ _’_ _m too clingy or-or laughs in my face?_ Dean let out a frustrated growl as negative thoughts and unfavourable scenarios filled his mind. Not one had Cas elated and glad for Dean showing him his heart. Each was a variation of Cas just laughing in his face, telling him he was clingy and he lied to him so that he would take him back only to use him for sex and then dump him. Razor sharp pain lanced through his heart and he punched the counter in frustration.

 

The only way he would learn Cas’s true reaction would be to show him the journal. Taking in another deep breath, Dean willed away every bad thought. He lost himself in putting the remaining dishes into the dishwasher and within a few moments found himself putting in the detergent and turning the machine on. After staring and listening to the rumbling and groaning of the washer, he slowly made his way out to the living room. Seeing that there was no one sat there, he made his way to the staircase and looked in the direction of his bedroom where the truth would be decided.

 

Each step felt like a trial and each breath laboured as Dean walked up to the staircase. He was acting as though he was on trial for committing a crime and not just going to show his journal to his companion. He had found the Tardis ring in a corner near his study table but for some reason, hadn’t put it on. _Maybe this will decide if I should put it back on or not._ Too much rested on what was going to happen and even though it sounded irrational, in his mind, it was a way to test if the relationship would be worth it in the time to come or not.

It felt as though an age passed before he was standing in front of his bedroom and gazed at the yellow light that crept from under the door crack. His mind flashed to the last time he’d felt like these and felt bile rise up in his throat when he remembered the aftermath of that encounter. He muttered before going in. “It’s just Cas, it’s only Cas. He won’t hurt me. Have courage.”

 

Realizing there was no way around what was about to happen, he twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open. He kept his eyes fixed on his feet to avoid looking up for as long as he could.

 

“Kitten, what’s wrong?” Cas’s voice was startling and soothing at the same time.

 

 _Everything? Nothing? My life? What could happen? If you_ _’_ _ll leave me? If I should do this or not? Have I been a failure?_ Each thought was a swirl of pain that he had _almost_ gotten accustomed to over the years. Nights of lying in bed and crying, apologizing for all his sins and begging for forgiveness for anything he might have done to his family to hurt them, having every bad thing that anyone had ever said to him flit through his mind in the darkness; the silence roaring with the sounds of malicious laughter and wretched voices screaming at him that he deserved the bad and nothing good could ever happen to him. The Voices had driven him to the edge of death too many times or been the reason for the cutting. His eyes pricked with moisture but he hastily blinked them away and turned to face his judgement.

 

 _Like ripping off a band-aid_. The thought spurred Dean to move from his spot by the door and walk over to his bedside table and open the drawer. He reached for his journal and pulled it out, held it for one moment before sitting down with it in his lap next to Cas. He had felt Cas’s eyes follow him around with a quizzical look and when he turned to look at him, the expression had changed from that to one of guarded awareness.

 

Dean idly stroked the worn leather cover and somewhat frayed edges of paper, feeling the stories they held and asked them a silent question with each stroke. Each rustle answered with a yes and he held it out to Cas to take with both hands. “Please be gentle.” The request was almost too soft and was nearly engulfed by the silence.

 

A slight shift of posture and the slight whoosh of paper as Cas opened the journal to the page that he had probably read last. Cas’s hand reached for Dean’s and he squeezed it gently before gently beckoning him to look at him. His eyes were earnest as they looked into Dean’s and said, “You don’t have to.”

 

“But I want to.” That was enough of a response to turn his attention back to the notebook that sat on his lap and turn the page. Dean looked surreptitiously at each twist of Cas’s face with each turn of paper. Something shifted and changed with each line he read and each curve he took in. His fingers traced certain words, phrases or drawings and Dean might have thought he imagined the small intakes of breath or sighs that left Cas’s lips.

 

After an agonizingly long time, Cas reached the last page. For a moment, he just kept his hand on the page and appeared to be in deep thought. Slowly, almost regretfully it seemed, Cas closed the journal and idly stroked the cover.

 

They sat for a few moments in complete silence, the in between before the judgement. Time passed and there was no reaction whatsoever. Then, Cas picked up the journal and slid it a bit away from him and turned to look at Dean. “Look at me.” The whisper startled Dean but he looked up into Cas’s blue eyes which sparkled with unshed tears and his face tracked with those from before. A sudden ache clenched Dean’s insides and regret filled him. This was the end, it would be over.

 

Cas reached for Dean’s right hand and pulled a small object from his pocket and slipped it onto his finger. “You showed me your heart in that didn’t you? It was the only reason for you to be so nervous.” The tears ran down Cas’s face and a small breath hitched in Dean’s throat when he looked at the Tardis ring that sat on his finger.

 

Cas took in a shuddering breath before continuing. “It’s beautiful, all of it. And to think that little old me made that happen it feels like too much. It’s so unfair that I can’t show you how much there is in my heart for you. I feel like a new man with you, a new human being. You give me hope and that is more than I can say for a lot of people. After everything that happened you still forgave me and kept me and it was more than I hoped for. I never want to leave you, you’re too precious. You’ve saved me. Your heart is too beautiful and loving for someone like me. I don’t feel like I deserve you and here you are sat beside me showing me your heart and hoping I won’t break it. I promise I won’t Dean. I promise with our bond that I will _never_ intentionally break your heart because it would ruin me to not have you in my one ordinary life that’s made extraordinary by your presence. I love you and that’s the bottom line.”

 

“Shh.” Dean pulled Cas into his arms and silent tears slipped down his face as he held him close. His tshirt was getting soaked with Cas’s tears but he didn’t care. Cas loved him, that’s what mattered. He hadn’t run away and he hadn’t made fun of Dean. His heart felt born anew and a feeling of veneration filled him. One of his hands was curled tightly into Cas’s tshirt while the other rubbed his back. He kissed the top of Cas’s head and said softly, “I love you too.”

 

Upon hearing those words, Dean felt Cas’s body sag into his arms and he let out a sigh. “Come on, sit up.” Dean let Cas hold his arms for support as he sat up. His hands went to Cas’s tear streaked face and brushed them away with his thumbs. Pulling Cas’s face closer to his, he left a lingering kiss on Cas’s forehead and eyes before looking at him again and smiling.

 

“Okay?” Dean’s question was met with a small nod and a bright smile from Cas along with a small laugh as he wiped away the tears with his own hands.

 

“I should wash my face,” Cas said as he stood up and walked toward the bathroom. Dean followed him with his eyes up until he vanished and Dean heard the water running. Dean still couldn’t believe that nothing bad had happened. As he looked at the ring on his hand, a feeling of hope saturated him. The air smelled sweeter and the night seemed brighter.

Cas came back out and they slipped under the covers, gazing at each other in the dark until they were beckoned to the dream realm and even then, they were together.

 

\--

 

The next few days passed in a haze of happiness, sunshine, classes and Cas’s withdrawal. It had struck on the third day of Cas being in the Winchester home and it hadn’t been pretty. Cas had barely come downstairs that morning and entered the kitchen when he had sprinted for the sink and emptied out his insides. Mary had immediately gone into nurse mode and ordered Dean and Sam to make various arrangements.

 

Once Cas had finished vomiting, he’d been led back up to Dean’s bedroom where he had all but collapsed onto the bed shivering and covered in sweat. Dean had wanted to stay home and take care of him but his mother had made sure to send him off to college. He had left reluctantly, hoping that Cas wouldn’t be so bad that his mother had to take the day off taking care of him. He was Dean’s responsibility after all and having his mother take care of him to Dean felt like he was burdening her. Gabriel had offered to take the day off but Mary had promptly sent Sam and him off to school around the same time as Dean.

 

Luckily, Cas hadn’t been too sick and Mary was able to leave him with a bucket by his bed along with a large glass of water. She had texted Dean and Gabriel along the way so that they didn’t worry or try to come back home to take care of Cas. It was a small comfort as far as Dean was concerned and could concentrate on his classes more easily after that.

 

He had missed quite a few classes because of which a lot of his free time and lunch hour was spent running around after professors trying to talk to them about what level he was at in class and what he could do to make up for all those he’d missed. Each teacher was sympathetic to his plight and agreed to give him some extra credit work so that he didn’t fall behind in his classes.

 

Feeling quite satisfied with his accomplishments, he walked out of class and ran into Charlie. “Hey Charles!”

 

“Howdy Winchester! Where you been? Haven’t heard from you in a while,” she replied and slipped her arm around Dean’s.

 

“Yeah, there’s a whole lot that’s been going on. How about I tell you over some food? I’m buying.”

 

“Hells yeah!” Charlie’s enthusiasm was contagious and they both walked hurriedly to Dean’s Impala chattering the entire way.

 

The short ride to the diner near campus was mostly Charlie talking about the new woman she was eyeing. Dean listened attentively, asking the right questions. Before long they were seated in a booth, giving their orders and Charlie looking at Dean expectantly.

 

“So, what’s been going on? I barely got the chance to speak to Cas and he isn’t here today again.”

 

“Yeah about that, he’s living with me for a while.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck and pushed his glasses back up. Charlie was looking at him with a mixture of bewilderment and surprise.

 

“How come? Isn’t your mom home? Is she okay with it? Why isn’t he here today if he lives with you?” Charlie’s train of questions couldn’t come fast enough.

 

“Slow down! Yes my mom knows, she’s the one who let him stay. He isn’t here today because he’s recovering.”

 

“Recovering? From what?” Dean wasn’t prepared for that question. He didn’t know if he was at liberty to tell her about Cas’s drug addiction or if she already knew. This would be difficult to navigate without outright lying.

 

“How much do you know about Cas? About his history?” Dean asked cautiously.

 

“Not much. All I know is that he’s rich, doesn’t get along with his parents and I heard rumours of him being a drug dealer and that the summer after his first year he was in rehab.”

 

This made it easier for him to tell her and everything spilled out easily. “Yeah. He’s recovering from a small drug stint.” Charlie gasped but didn’t say anything more as the entire reason behind Cas taking drugs came out. He didn’t tell her about him cutting or that Sam had banished the Novaks from their home. After he had told her as much as she could, Charlie stood up and came around to give Dean a long and warm hug.

 

“He’s an asshole for doing that to you but he’s an even bigger asshole for breaking his sobriety. I hope you’ve both emerged from this for the better now.” Dean hugged her back and nodded.

 

Their order arrived shortly after that and they ate in near silence, too hungry for conversation. Dean dropped her back to the college parking lot so she could get her car and he went on his way home. A tingling feeling went through him when he realized that Cas, his _home_ would be there waiting for him.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama. And more drama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote another chapter! Whoohoo!! Sadly, this fic is coming to an end. There is only one other chapter left and then I will write the epilogue for it. This fic has been the best journey for me and I love it a lot. Thank you so so much for reading and still sticking with it!!!!

**Two Years Later**

Dean and Castiel had been together for quite some time now. Their relationship had been fraught with ups and downs in the beginning but it had settled in the last few years. Of course that wasn’t to say that they didn’t have fights or arguments. They fought like every other couple did and resolved their differences or just chose to agree to disagree. But there was one thing that had started weighing on Dean’s mind recently- the fact that Cas would be graduating and they hadn’t talked about what their future would look like.

 

Each day they met and Dean felt as though it lingered between them- that unanswered question that both hesitated to voice because saying it out loud would mean acknowledging the reality of what may happen instead of enjoying what they had now.

 

But the truth was that Dean was afraid. What if Cas didn’t want things to continue? There was so much that Dean had imagined that they would do together that he couldn’t imagine doing with anyone else. Would all those hopes and dreams be laid to waste? They had to be solid, they needed to talk about this so that things could be planned and discussed.

 

There were only a few months left until Castiel would graduate and recently, he’d been distant. It was new but Dean picked up on it immediately. Texts were fewer, there were more silences, less time spent together. He didn’t want to believe what might be happening. Maybe Castiel had a reason for cancelling on their Netflix Night the third time in a row or not calling him when he said he would. Right?

 

Dean played with his phone, procrastinating and nervous at the prospect of texting his boyfriend. He hadn’t felt this way in _years_ and here he was, hesitating to type out a simple text to ask to meet the love of his life. He looked at the ring that was on his right hand and drew strength from it and texted Castiel asking him to meet him at the lake where they went on their first date.

 

For a long while, his phone was silent. A few hours later, his phone pinged with a text.

 

_Cas- Okay. Time?_

Dean glanced at the time and replied that they should meet right now if possible.

 

He didn’t get a reply in return so he took that as acquiescence and walked out of the house and to his car. No one was home yet and he was hoping that he would be back on time or at least go out to dinner with Cas. A terrible pit yawned open in his stomach and it caused anxiety to build up. They had been through so much, it couldn’t just end.

 

Thoughts were swirling and changing constantly, from best case to worst case scenarios, and Dean felt as though the worst case was more likely. It’s not because he didn’t want to be with Cas, it was because he felt that Cas might not want to be with _him._ Yes, Cas had said that he would wait for Dean, no matter how long it took but they’d been dating for over two years and they still hadn’t had sex. In most people’s books, that was a deal breaker unless they were completely and irrevocably in love. The feelings that Dean had were like that, complete, irrevocable, made for Cas. But he was starting to wonder if it was the same for Cas or if Cas had said that at the time and thought that maybe Dean would get over his insecurities and scars by now and they would have sex.

 

That particular thought sunk Dean’s heart right through his body and out. It hurt him to think that it might just be about them not having sex. His pessimism had kept him alive in the past but it was time now to consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, it was something else and he wasn’t being used again. _Trust him, he loves you_. The thought gave him comfort as he reached the park-lake.

 

One sweep of the area told him that Cas wasn’t here yet. That was understandable considering Cas had been at university for longer than usual lately getting projects done and submitting assignments. Dean decided to get out of the car and go sit by the lake and bide his time. He checked his phone before sitting down just to check if he had any messages.

 

_Cas- I_ _’_ _ll be there soon._

 

Dean didn’t know when soon would be so he sat down to begin his wait.

 

The thinking would be one thing he would have to control and unfortunately, he had nothing to distract him from his thoughts. He almost stood up to go take a walk and explore around when he heard the sound of grass crunching beneath shoes. When he turned around, Cas was walking toward him with eyes downcast. The pit that had opened up felt slightly bigger. Cas always looked up and gave Dean a big smile or smirk or something as a greeting but he was just looking at the ground and walking toward him. Dean wanted to cry, he felt miserable. _Hope, just a little hope_.

 

Cas came and sat down next to him and gave him a small smile. Dean grimaced but Cas didn’t see it. The boy had his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him.

 

Dean put his hand on Cas’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

 

Cas shook his head and placed his hand on Dean’s. He stroked the back of Dean’s hand before taking it between both of his, bringing it to his mouth and gently kissing his fingers.

 

Dean’s insides lit up. His skin and insides were buzzing and his face was flushed. When Cas met Dean’s eyes there was something in them that gave him hope but also felt as though nothing good was coming. What Dean needed to ask would be difficult especially with Cas looking at him the way he was. Gathering whatever little courage he had, Dean spoke. “We need to talk. About our future.”

 

Cas let out a sigh and looked at Dean. Nodding, he shifted his position so that he could face Dean properly. Dean turned and sat facing Cas. His courage was dwindling so all he could do was whisper. “What’re we going to do after you graduate?”

 

Dean could feel the tears coming, his heart beginning to ache dully. They had barely started and he was already losing whatever feeble self-control he had.  Cas took both of Dean’s hands in his and held them. He drew comfort from them, some solace that maybe things would turn out to be okay.

 

“Dean, things are not going to be easy. There’s a job… that I might have to take and it isn’t near here. Or I might have to get a Master’s degree and that isn’t going to be near you either.” Dean was hearing the words and he felt the world slide out from under his feet. Cas would be going away. There might not be a future and Dean was just being naïve by not accepting the truth.

 

“What about us? Do you want us to be together even though you’re far?” Dean dreaded asking that question but it was the most important thing right now. If they couldn’t be together after Cas decided to leave, then the only thing that remained was whether it was in their best interests to even stay together for that long.

 

“I don’t know, Dean. I’m sorry… I don’t know. But what I do know is that I love you and I will tell you, soon. Just… not right now. I have to figure a lot of things out.” Castiel’s reply cut deep inside Dean. His soul felt wounded and his eyes were overrun with tears.

 

Cas leaned forward and cradled Dean’s face in his hands. His lips touched Dean’s forehead gently and his thumbs brushed away the falling tears. Softly, like Dean was breakable, Cas held Dean’s face and pressed their lips together. Dean let out a sob and sank into Cas’s arms. His entire being felt like it was slowly being ripped in half. He pressed himself closer to Cas and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Cas was rubbing his back in an effort to comfort him.

 

“It’s okay,” Cas said soothingly in his ear. “You know I love you, no matter what happens. I’ll never let go. If I leave, I will come back to you. There’s no other, it will always be you, my kitten. Remember that.”

 

Dean didn’t say anything except let his tears fall. His arms tightened around Cas as a response to what Cas had said. After a few minutes of being held, Dean finally had the strength to let him go but held on to his hands. “Come home with me,” he said to Cas. Extracting one if his hands from Dean’s grasp, Cas brushed away the last of the tears and said with a smile, “How about you come over to my place?”

 

Dean nodded and kissed Cas again. He didn’t want them to end, he didn’t want to stop feeling the way Cas’s hands felt in his or how his lips felt against his, like his whole life was being given back to him. That feeling of being grounded, of being alive and safe and invincible, he didn’t want them to go away. Cas was his _home_. The thought of Cas leaving Dean was opposite of everything that he wanted. He had to stay strong, to hope that when Cas finally talked to him, it would be with a solution to how they would be together if and when he left.

 

Cas helped Dean stand up and they both started walking to their cars. Cas led the way in his car and Dean followed behind praying that everything would work between them.


End file.
